Thursday, January 9, 2020

"Two Horses, Still Talking"

HORSE ONE:  “Selfish.”

HORSE TWO:  “Without question or doubt.”

“Tell me.  What other…”

“Wait.  Is this a rhetorical question?”


“I could tell from the adamant inflection.  I’ll listen.  And likely concur at the end.”


“You may continue.”

“Okay.  Tell me.  What other species makes another species ride them around on their backs?  Does a chimp ride a hyena?  Does a squirrel climb on a cat? 

(POINTS HOOF) “To the tree!’”

“You’re right.  It is just they that do that.  The accursed “Two-Leggers.”

“It’s not like they have no legs.  They can get places.  But no.  (IN SUPREME EQUINE SARCASM)  They want to go faster.”

“So they do.  And, not satisfied with simply kicking us in the ribs,  (MORE EQUINE SARCASM), ‘thank you,’…”

“I know where you’re going with this.  What’s the cruelest thing ever invented?”


“It’s inhumane!”

“You would think they would know that.  Having made up the word.  Yet they ignore it with a careless impunity.”

“Right!  And I am buying ‘impunity.’  Like you, from the adamant inflection.”

“It’s not enough that they ride us.  Not enough that they have to kick us in the ribs  They kick us in the ribs with sharp rotating pointy discs! 

“They think it makes us go faster.”

“It does.”

“Of course it does.  But not because of the “signal.”  We just want them to stop.”

“You know what’s actually more painful than ‘riding’?  ‘Hauling.’”

Tell me about it.”

“You did ‘hauling’?”

“My grandfather did.  And he told me about it.”


“Back in the Old West, Grandpa used to ‘haul stagecoach.’  He said sometimes, there were teams of four horses, and sometimes, there were six.

“How did they decide?”

“I don’t know.  But you can bet there was no thought for the horses.  I mean, it’s not like the ‘Four-Horsers’ hauled smaller coaches.  They just had to pull harder.”

“It may have had something to do with equipment.  Horses were cheap.  Multiple reins were expensive.  Although I heard that from a horse buyer so I’m not sure it’s true.”

“My Grandpa told me a secret.  You know those hold-ups they had, when coaches carried those big gold shipments?”


“The teams deliberately slowed down for the outlaws, so when they threw down the strongbox, the coach was easier to pull.”

“Revenge!  ‘Two-Leggers’ love gold more than running horses into the ground.”

(FIST-BUMPING THEIR FORE-HOOVES)  “You got dat right!”

“All in all, you know what I think hurts the most?”  The ‘Man’s Best Friend’ Contest.’” 

“And we came in ‘Third.’”

“I understand dogs, I suppose.  Not that anyone rides them.  But cats?  Dogs at least can be useful.  Cats just sit there and look at you.”

“And if you treat them badly they can go the phone and call lions.  Who can we call?  Unicorns?  There aren’t any unicorns.”

“You know – wrapping things up – I think life is just totally random.  Someone mounts a horse on a lark, and they ride us for the next two thousand years.”

“‘A World of Chaos’?  How can you live like that?  If just not to go crazy, I have to believe in a ‘Universal Plan.’

“I just wish it were a better one.”
I just remembered the origin of these two posts.

While on a trail ride, about a hundred yards from the stable, my horse kneeled down and began to roll over.  I assiduously jumped off, not wanting to be the next "Cole Porter Story."  The horse then stood up and walked back to the barn alone.

That's a  rather clear statement, isn't it?

"That's it!"

When I footed my way back to the barn, I said,

"My horse came back without me."

Receiving the weak exonerating response,

"He always does."


If I had known that I'd have picked a horse that finished the ride.

With the rider still aboard.


Lawrence said...

That was one smart horse you had (briefly).

Elephants and camels.

Maria said...

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