Tuesday, October 22, 2019

"Numbers Don't Lie... At Least Not In My Favor"

Do you remember Glen Svalstedt?





Glen Svalstedt is the Executive Director for “Financial Contract Reporting” at NBCUniversal, to which I believe you can add Comcast.  Because, I guess, it’s a contractual obligation, Glen Svalstedt regularly sends me a statement, showing how far during that fiduciary period Major Dad – of which I am a “Profit Participant” but not yet – has advanced towards ultimate profitability.

Wishful Thinking:  It was only a matter of time.

Does that name ring a bell for you now?


Fine.  I probably know less about your lives.

A while back, I got a call from Glen Svalstedt.  Yessir!  The man called me at home.  I felt so honored, I put him on “Hold” and went and put on some pants.

Glen came right to the point.  He wanted to know if it would be okay if he stopped sending the statements.  Apparently, his company was in trouble, and they thought saving fourteen pages, a staple and a stamp would keep them in business.

I told Glen to keep sending the statements, adding, tongue only partly in cheek – because it’s hard to talk if it’s all in there – that getting those statements in the mail were the most exciting days on my calendar.

It’s rather sad how close that is to being actually correct.

Narrative Turnaround…

After the latest statement, I may be changing my mind about receiving those statements.

And here’s why.

I had always had hope that Major Dad would someday be “in the black” and I would eventually see money.  It was false hope, but it was hope.

Today, that false hope is even harder to sustain.

Read this, and empathetically weep.

Previous Statement:  Major Dad had moved $57,697 closer to “pay dirt.”

Most Recent Statement:  The “cumulative take” slowed to $5,435.


I know that none of us are accountants except the few of you who are accountants.  But who needs to be an accountant?  A 90% drop in profitability in a single “Reporting Period”?

That is really not good.

I mean, there was never a “tidal wave.”

But now, it’s a trickle.

In the direction of “Dry Hole.”

Reading the current report, former supporters of this upright Marine comedy – Abu Dhabi, Cyprus, Malaysia – not a cent in subsequent sales.  Canada – my home and native land – Israel – where I bought hundreds of trees:

Increase in sales?


I mean, come on, eh?

Checking the numbers, none of which appear to have changed from the previous statement,

I don’t see how we went up five thousand bucks.


You know what?

I think it’s over.

I think I need to call Glen.

Who wants to get statements that keep saying the same thing?  It’s like checking a corpse every six months and going, “Any news?”

It was good run.

Of paper, if not profits.

But one has to face facts.

Previously, a realistic assessment of my chances of seeing some money from the deal was “Never.”

Now, it is definitely longer.

1 comment:

Aaron said...

I remember the previous posts. Since NBC is starting their own streaming service next year, just have Glen tell Steve to put Major Dad on the schedule. They are reportedly going to pay Netflix $500M to reclaim the rights to The Office in order to put it on the new streaming service so they'd probably be happy to buy back Major Dad for a similar fee!