Wednesday, June 12, 2019

"Hey, Guys! Listen To This!"

Note:  I’m going to write this like I’m 11.  Because it’s that kind of a story.  And I may be generous with 11. 

One more thing.  You have to read it like you’re 11.  That’s the only way it’ll (possibly) work.  If we are all 11 together.    

Okay.  Here we go.

Wait’ll you hear this!  You’re not gonna believe it!

Okay, so y’know how I wear a contact lens in my right eye?  Yeah, I do.  But not all the time.  I take it out at night, and I put it in a case.  Except sometimes, you know?  Hardly ever but sometimes?  Sometimes I just think it’s in the case.  I wake up in the morning and I’m, like, ‘Where is it?”  The lens is, like, totally not in the case!

I know!  I mean, one minute, it’s there, and the next minute, it’s, like, gone!

I look around in the bed and everything, and my lens is, like, “Nowhere.”  I mean it’s got to be somewhere – it didn’t, like, fall out of the universe, or something.  But wherever I look – I am wearing my glasses, so I am not “looking blind” – it’s, like, totally “Poof!”  Y’know?

This happens, every few months, I do this.  But we have this housekeeper Rosario, y’know?  And she always finds it.  And we’re like, “Yay, Rosario!”  ‘Cause we can’t find it and she can.

She’s like a genius at finding contact lenses.  No, for real!  She is!

So we’re, like, “She’ll find it tomorrow.”  ‘Cause it’s, like, Sunday, y’know?  And she only works Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays?  In the meantime, I feel like this big loser, ‘cause I can’t put a contact lens in a case.  I do lots of stuff great.  But I can’t seem to do that. 

Not always, but sometimes.

So, okay.  So, I’m taking a shower, ‘cause we’re goin’ to this play, and I can’t stink? 

So get this.  I swear.  This is exactly what happened.

The water from the…

Oh.  I forgot to say something. 

I got this “spare” contact lens, as, like, a “back-up.”  In case the first lens gets lost, which it just did, y’know?  So I’ve got that in the shower.

Okay, so I’m takin’ this shower.  And the water comes down so hard, it knocks my “spare” contact lens right down to the bottom of my eye.  I’m, like, “What!?!”  Because, suddenly, I can’t see! 

So I reach into my eye… this part’s kinda gross… and I poke around down there – I told you it was gross – so I can find the “spare”, and suddenly, I feel, like…

Two contact lenses! 

Both of them, sitting in the bottom of my eye!

No, yeah!  For real!

It’s, like, didn’t lose the first contact lens.  I just totally forgot to take it out, and it was in there all night – it must have slipped down, or something.  The next day when I put in the “spare”,

I had two lenses in one eye!

Oh, man!  I’m lookin’ all over for my lens – in the bed, on the floor – and it’s like, “Not here.”  “Not here.”  And all the time – the only place I didn’t look, “Duh!” – it was still right in my eye!  I mean, really!  Is that the craziest thing you ever…

Hey, guys!  Where’re ya goin’?

(CALLING)  You wanna hear how I lost my retainer? 

And it wasn’t still in my mouth.”

Writer’s Note:  This story is not that important when you’re an adult.  But when you’re 11…


I was going to say, “When you’re 11, it’s a really big deal.”  The thing is, it was a big deal when it just happened. 

I must still be, partly, 11.

No, for real!  I must be!

1 comment:

JED said...

My first thought was that Rosario was playing a little game with you. Of course, she always found your "missing" contact. But, as usual, I was wrong.

I don't think I can even remember what I talked like when I was 11. But I enjoyed you impression.