"Christmas Chestnuts 1"

Announcement:  We are away for a week, vacationing in Hawaii.  I may write there, I may sit outside, risking skin cancer.  I have not decided yet.  In case I don't, I am leaving some traditional holiday "chestnuts."  With inevitable minor alterations.  Regular Readers:  See if you can spot the scattered improvements.

In the meantime, Merry Christmas and happy holidays.

And I shall see you in 2019.

Okay, first up?  The always appreciated

                                                     "Your Presents Are Welcome"

Ext.  Holy Land – Night  

(Note:  In the Jewish tradition, which was in force on this first day of Christianity, all holidays begin on the night before.  I don’t know why.  Maybe they just couldn’t wait.)

THREE WISE MEN ARE CAMELING TOWARDS THEIR MIDDLE-EASTERN DESTINATION.

(Note:  Because I have no idea of their actual names, the Wise Men will herein be designated by the gifts they are delivering:  Gold, frankincense and myrrh.  Sorry for all the Notes.) 

THE NIGHT IS QUIET, SAVE FOR THE SOUND OF THREE CAMELS, CLOMPING ON SAND.

FRANKINCENSE:  I could use some reassurance here.

GOLD:  What about?

F:  (STANDING FOR FRANKINCENSE, SO I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP WRITING FRANKINCENSE EVERY TIME)  I’m a little worried about my present.

G:  (DITTO ON THE INITIAL )  How so?

F:  I’m concerned about its appropriateness.

G:  What is it you’re giving them again?

F:  Frankincense.

G:  And remind me what that is?

F:  An aromatic gum resin.

G:  Uh-huh. And you thought that was an appropriate present because…?

F:  Frankincense is known to have soothing properties.  I thought after the turbulence of childbirth, the participants might enjoy its calming effect.  

G:  I suppose.  But have you noticed how quiet it’s been? –  a starlit firmament, the absence of a breeze, not a peep out of anything?  If I were a Weather Man – or a songwriter – I’d say, “All is calm, all is bright.”

F:  You’re saying they won’t needmy gift’s calming effect.

G:  It seems somewhat redundant.

F:  They’re going to hate it!  I know exactly what’s going to happen.  They’ll be all nice about it and everything.  “Look, Joseph – frankincense!  What a beautiful present!”  And then, angling for reassurance, I’ll say, “Are you sure you like it?  I could take it back.”  And they’ll say, “Oh, no, it’s perfect!  We were just talking about how we were really low on frankincense and my husband said, ‘Maybe I should pick some up’, and I said, ‘Hold off a little.  We might get some as a present’, and here we are! It’s like a miracle.  I mean, it’s no ‘Virgin Birth’ or anything, but it’s still amazingly timely.”  I despise that excruciating charade.  I wishI had brought something else.  

MYRRH:  Youwish.

F:  Oh, yeah, I forgot.  With you around, I am sure of no worse than “Second Most Terrible Gift.”

M:  Well that’s not very supportive.

F:  Your gift makes no sense.

G:  What was your present again?

M:  Myrrh.

F:  Terrible!

M:  It’s not that bad.

F:  Oh, really?  First of all, myrrh is alsoa gum resin.  I mean, three gifts, and two of them are gum resins? These guys are going to have to be really good actors.  “You can never have enough gum resin.”   This is a train wreck!

G:  A what?

F:  It’s bad.

M:  You know, there is actually a difference between my gum resin and your gum resin.  Yours in an aromatic gum resin.  Mine is a bitter gum resin.

F:  (TO G)  You know what bitter gum resins are used for?

G:  What?

F:  Embalming.  He’s bringing a “burial spice.”  (TO M) I hope you kept the receipt.  

M:  It’s attached to the “Myrrh” pouch.  But the store’s in Mesopotamia.

G:  You know, you Wise Men – and your behavior puts that name in serious doubt – you are making too much of this.  Remember:  “It’s the thought that counts.”

F:  Spoken like a man who is giving them gold.

G:  It was simply what came to my mind.

M:  Oh, sure.  “Let’s see. What gift should I bring them?  I know.  Something that makes everyone else’s gift look terrible and cheap!”

G:  It’s not a lotof gold.

F:  (To M) Did you see the cool pouch it's in?

M:  That pouch is better than my present.  

G:  Look, if you two are so unhappy with your presents, you should have given them something else.

M:  Like what?

G:  I don’t know.  Booties.

M:  “Gold, frankincense and socks.”  That’s much better.

F:  Why didn’t you bring booties?

G:  Because I brought gold!  Dear Lord!... who was recently just born.  Do I have to apologize for being the only one bringing a good gift?  

F/M: (TOGETHER)  YES!!

F:  He put zero thought into it, you know.  ‘Gold.’  Done!’”

G:  I think we should stop talking for a while.

F:  You’re the boss, Mr. Moneybags.

THEY CAMEL ALONG IN SILENCE. FINALLY…

F:  Are you sure we’re going the right way?

M:  Yeah.  Maybe we should stop and ask directions.

G:  That is not necessary.

F:  Oooh, Mr. “Gold Giver.”  Too good to ask directions.

G:  There is one direction!  “Follow the star.”  I am following the star!

M:  Okay!  Take it easy! You are turning all red.

F:  (TO G) Would you like a little frankincense to calm you down? 

M:  I’dlike slip him some myrrh.

F:  Oh.  For “embalming.”  Iget it.

G:  (DRYLY)  Hilarious. A funny Bedouin.  

THEY MOVE ON IN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.

F:  You know, all this bickering?  It’s because of the presents.  

M:  You’re right.  If only we could honor special occasions in a less competitive manner. 

G:  A celebratory song, perhaps.

F:  Says the man who won the encampment songwriting contest. The guy never quits.

M:  Look, we are stuck with the presents, and that’s that.  Let’s just hope they are big resin gum fans.

F:  That’s gum resin.

M:  Yeah. That makes a difference. 

THE THREE-CAMEL CARAVAN PROCEEDS ON TOWARDS BETHLEHEM.

G:  Everybody likes gold.

M:  There he goes again.

G:  I was talking to my camel.

THE ANXIOUS BICKERING CONTINUES.  AND THE REST IS NEW TESTAMENT HISTORY.