"Too Kind"

The Internet has been taking it on the chin lately.

Surrendering private personal information.  Promulgating real fake news.  Influencing, it could not implausibly turn out, the outcome of the last presidential election.

And now this.  The most egregious outrage of them all. 

Because it is happening to me.  Anything that happens to me automatically steps to the front of the “Are you kidding me?” line, dropping influencing the outcome of the last presidential election to “Second Position” where it appropriately belongs.  (Mrs. Clinton’s list may, understandably, differ.  She is, of course, entitled to her opinions. Although how far did those get her?)

What is this heinous and unpardonable affront I have been brutally forced to endure?  It is simply – and unnervingly – this. 

Subsequent to a recent Internet transaction,

People are sending me boxes of “Health Bars” that I did not ask for.

It could be even worse.

They could actually be candy bars. 

An affront lacking the ameliorating benefits of health bars.  Although still grievous, in the way they have been foisted upon me against my will.  (Is there really any other kind of foisting?)

Who are these pernicious perpetrators of my terrible affliction?  They are the manufacturers of Kind Healthy Snacks.  (Gluten free.  Dairy free.  0g trans fat, “Og” meaning “Zero grams”, not “Og”, in case you were not certain.  That sounds healthy, doesn’t it?  No “genetically engineered ingredients” either.  Oh happy day!)

 

(The packaging the bars come in says, “do the kind thing for your body, your taste buds & your world”  You’ll notice they do not unnecessarily stir things up with screaming capitals or jarring periods.  The words just “kindly” roll out.)

Having sampled and enjoyed the “Kind dark chocolate, nuts and sea salt” bars, I decided that, rather than purchasing them piecemeal at the local convenience store – at unkind markups – I would instead order them, in bulk.

Online. *

(* With suitable ominous musical accompaniment.)

(Note:  Doing anything online is problematic for me.  So I readily admit the possibility of “Pilot Error” in the exercise leading to this blogatorial tirade.  Albeit a benign blogatorial tirade, as I am substantially fortified with Kind Healthy Snacks.)

Okay, off we go.

I find the website.  I fill out what you are required to fill out, including revealing my credit card number, which seems like an invitation for strangers to use it to buy things for themselves.  George Costanza fought tenaciously to protect his bank, security PIN code.  (“Bosco.”)  Here I am, effectively giving mine away.

(HELPLESSLY RESIGNED) “Hey… buy whatever you want.”

I order one box, containing twelve dark chocolate, nuts and sea salt Kind bars.  I click “PLACE YOUR ORDER”, and that’s it.

A few days later, a box of Kind Health Snacks is delivered to me in the mail.  Or some other way.  I mean, I do not stand guard out there, watching for who exactly is bringing things to the house.  I see a box with my name on it, I take it inside.  I don’t even check if it’s ticking.

Okay.  I now have twelve Kind healthy snacks at my disposal.  I try to sensibly ration my intake.  Sometimes, I succeed.  Sometimes, even the box, hearing my approaching footsteps, goes, “Again?”

Otherwise, life is beautiful.

A month, or so – I did not precisely monitor the chronology – later,

I get another delivery of Kind dark chocolate, nuts and sea salt healthy snacks.

Totally unsolicited.  (I am pretty sure.)  The “Request Order” asked, “How many boxes?” and I had clicked “1.”

But I had received 2.

I don’t know, maybe I should have done something.  Sent them back, who knows?  (And who knows how?)  I was actually getting tired of those healthy snacks.  And, to be honest, I was a little startled that they were 200 calories.  My recollection was that they were 140.  That is sixty times twelve more calories than I had anticipated.  The button and buttonhole fastening my pants were drifting further and further apart.

The Law of Unintentional Consequences:  They make a clerical mistake at the factory, and three thousand miles away, a man gains three-and-a-half pounds.

Okay, fine.  It’s over.  “Case Closed.”

Or so I thought.

Again a month or so later, I receive a third box of Kind dark chocolate nuts and sea salt Healthy Snacks.

I’m, like, “What the heck is going on?”

Two boxes of unrequested healthy snacks.  I mean, how kind can you be?

Was it my mistake?   Was it their mistake?  Had I inadvertently won some healthy snack Publishers Clearinghouse lottery, where I would receive a monthly allotment of dark chocolate, nuts and sea salt bars for the rest of my life?  Or was there a regular “kindco inc” charge I had neglected to pick up on my credit card bill?  Because I do not peruse my credit card bill.  For me, it’s like, “That seems about right”, and I write a check.  

Caught in the eye of this roiling hurricane of candy – or possibly nutritional supplements – I began to wonder, “How long can this go on?”

I see my loved ones, returning home from my funeral, the mail and the newspaper, scattered mournfully on the porch.  And there beside them, yet another box of Kind dark chocolate, nuts and sea salt bars, totally oblivious to my altered physical condition.  (“Healthy snacks”, my ass.  I ate them and I’m dead!)

That’s what can happen when you order on the Internet – boxes of healthy Kind bars, for of eternity.

And yet, online shopping is convenient and less expensive.  So I do it.

I recently ordered a pair of shoes on the Internet.

I dread I may have possibly – accidentally or otherwise – joined the “Loafers of the Month Club.”

Maybe I am better off going to the store.