INTERVIEWER:
Today, we are fortunate to have with us a, literally, unique human
being. The last of the Mohicans. Mr. -- I’m sorry, I don’t know what to call
you.
LAST:
Call me ‘Last.’
INTERVIEWER:
But you do have a name.
LAST: I
have a Mohican name.
INTERVIEWER:
Okay...
LAST:
But I can’t pronounce it.
INTERVIEWER:
You can’t pronounce your own name?
LAST:
Pathetic, isn’t it?
INTERVIEWER:
Isn’t there someone who can tell you...
LAST:
I’m the last of the Mohicans. Who
am I going to ask?
INTERVIEWER:
Okay, then. ‘Last’ it is. Speaking of your name, you probably know
there’s a book called ‘The Last of the Mohicans.’
LAST:
Cooper.
INTERVIEWER:
Yes, by James Fenimore Cooper.
LAST:
It’s a fake.
INTERVIEWER:
The book?
LAST:
The book, I never read. The
title’s a fake.
INTERVIEWER:
Because he wasn’t the last of the Mohicans.
LAST: Obviously.
INTERVIEWER: Then, why did they call it...
LAST:
Marketing. Who’d buy a book
called ‘Pretty Close to the Last of the Mohicans’?
INTERVIEWER:
Does it bother you that they...?
LAST:
Hey, everyone’s gotta make a living.
But I felt I deserved a cut, you know, for expropriating my
distinction. So I went looking for this
Fenimore guy. Turns out, he’s been dead
since, like, 1823.
INTERVIEWER:
Actually, Cooper died in...
LAST: I
really don’t care. ‘Last of the
Mohicans.’ Can you believe that? The guy was off by over two hundred years.
INTERVIEWER:
Speaking of believing, some people may have trouble believing you are
actually who you say you are.
LAST: You mean, like you.
INTERVIEWER:
Well, I do have some reservations...
LAST:
Why would I pretend a thing like that?
It’s not like it gets me a better table in restaurants. ‘Hey, Wolfgang, some Mohican wants to eat
here.’ ‘Great! Cancel the Katzenberg party.’ It gets me nothing. Maybe in Mohican restaurants it might
have some cachet, but, you know, there aren’t any. You can’t make a business out of one
customer. Less than one. Sometimes I like
to eat other things.
INTERVIEWER: It might bolster your credibility if you filled in some details. For instance, is there a story in how you found out you were the last of the Mohicans?
LAST:
Not really. One day, my parents
sat me down and said, ‘Son, you’re the last of the Mohicans.’ Not very colorful, but they weren’t very colorful
people, except for their skin, which had a reddish tint.
INTERVIEWER:
Unlike your own.
LAST:
Right. I’m a light-skinned
Mohican.
INTERVIEWER:
I see.
LAST:
You’re not buying this, are you?
INTERVIEWER:
No, no….
LAST:
I’m noticing a skeptical tone.
INTERVIEWER: May if you told me some more.
LAST:
All right, let’s see. My father
was the second last of the Mohicans, and my mother was the third. They’d fight about that all the time. She’d say, ‘I’m younger, so I’m the second
last.’ And Dad would scream, ‘It has
nothing to do with when you were born; it’s the order in which you die!’ And she’d yell, ‘Who said I’m dying
first?’ It’d go on like that for
hours. And it escalated – they’d throw
pottery at each other. Can you imagine
what that stuff would be worth today?
Authentic Mohican pottery? I have
some shards, but they tell me they’re worthless.
INTERVIEWER:
So as far as you’re concerned, there’s absolutely no doubt...
LAST:
Excuse me, is there a draft in here?
INTERVIEWER:
I don’t think so...
LAST:
I’m the last of the Mohicans, you know.
I have to take care of my health.
INTERVIEWER:
I underst...
LAST:
Got to protect the franchise.
INTERVIEWER:
Of course.
LAST:
Because when I go, that’s it. You
can close the book on the Mohicans.
INTERVIEWER:
I take it you’re not married.
LAST: I
play the field.
INTERVIEWER:
But if you wanted to extend your lineage, why not marry and have a
child?
LAST:
They’d only be half a Mohican.
INTERVIEWER:
Half a Mohican is better than none.
LAST:
Catchy, but untrue. Nobody cares
about the last of the semi-Mohicans.
INTERVIEWER:
I suppose. Do you mind if I throw
you a hypothetical?
LAST:
Fire away.
INTERVIEWER:
Let’s say, hypothetically, that you’re not the last of the
Mohicans? What if you made it all up?
LAST:
Is this how you treat a guest? I
am deeply offended. If you interview the
president, do you say, ‘Let’s say you’re not the president’? He is the president! And I’m the last of the Mohicans.
INTERVIEWER:
I was just being theoretical.
LAST: I
thought we were being hypothetical. Make
up your mind.
INTERVIEWER:
You’re acting kind of defensive...
LAST:
Defensive? No. I have nothing to hide.
INTERVIEWER:
You have to understand my position. A man walks into our studio claiming to be
the last of the Mohicans. It could be
totally fabricated. There is precedent
for that.
LAST:
Somebody else said they were the last of the Mohicans?
INTERVIEWER:
No…
LAST:
Then actually there isn’t.
INTERVIEWER:
People have misrepresented themselves in other ways. Writing memoirs that were completely made up.
LAST:
Terrible. People like that make
it harder for everyone.
INTERVIEWER:
So you understand my reservations…
LAST:
You know, you’ve said ‘reservations’ to me twice. Do you use that word when you’re not
talking to Indians? Maybe that’s proof
that I’m exactly who I say I am, did you ever think of that? You sense I’m an Indian, and if I am –
one more step – I’m the last of the Mohicans.
INTERVIEWER:
Or you’re not.
LAST:
Which brings us full circle. ‘I’m
not who I say I am. Who am I?’
INTERVIEWER:
Exactly. Who are you?
A BEAT.
LAST: I’m
a nobody. A ‘never was’ and ‘never will
be.’ I invent a persona, and for the
first time in my life, people notice me.
Suddenly, I’m a somebody – I’m the last of the Mohicans. People crave my company. They’ll even pay for it. I’m invited to rodeos, pow-wows, I cut the
ribbon at shopping mall openings. I’m
important. And I’m happy. Then someone exposes me as a fraud, and the
party’s over. The question is, ‘Is it
worth it?’ Is it worth sacrificing
another man’s happiness for some meaningless ‘scoop’? It comes down to this: A man’s fate lies in
another man’s hands. Does he send him
back to oblivion, or does he act from the heart, and leave things the way they
are?
INTERVIEWER:
That was very moving.
LAST:
Thank you. Any other questions?
INTERVIEWER:
I think we’ll leave it at that.
Our guest today has been the last of the Mohicans.
LAST: (TOUCHED)
Really?
INTERVIEWER: Thank
you for coming.
LAST:
Na-mee-chee-ka.
INTERVIEWER:
Is that Mohican?
LAST:
As Mohican as I am.
INTERVIEWER:
That’s good enough for me.
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