Who invented holiday gift giving?
“A guy with a store.”
Too cynical? Maybe. Though perhaps not entirely off the
mark. Historically – if we can regard
the Bible as history, and who’s to say it’s less accurate than anything else written back then – the gift-giving
tradition originated on “Day One”, if by “Day One”, you mean “Day One” of A.D.
rather than “Day One” of B.C. I actually
don’t know when “Day One” of B.C. was. Billions of years ago? It was way back, I know that. Anyway, that’s got
nothing to do with this story.
Hovering over the event, from that very first occasion, there
loomed the darkening presence of gift-giving anxiety, the gut-eating worry that
your gift will resoundingly fall flat.
Allow us now to peek in on that initial foray into heartfelt
but emotionally turbulent generosity.
Ext. Holy Land –
Night
(Note: In the
Jewish tradition, which was in force on this first day of Christianity, all
holidays begin on the night before. I
don’t know why. Maybe they couldn’t
wait.)
THREE WISE MEN ARE CAMELING TOWARDS THEIR MIDDLE-EASTERN DESTINATION.
(Note: Because
I have no idea of their actual names, the Wise Men will herein be designated by
the gifts they are delivering: Gold,
frankincense and myrrh. Sorry for all
the Notes.)
THE NIGHT IS QUIET, SAVE FOR THE SOUND OF THREE CAMELS,
CLOMPING OVER SAND.
FRANKINCENSE: I could
use some reassurance here.
GOLD: What about?
F: (STANDING FOR
FRANKINCENSE, SO I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP WRITING FRANKINCENSE EVERY TIME) I’m a little worried about my present.
G: (DITTO ON THE
INITIAL ) How so?
F: I’m concerned
about its appropriateness.
G: What is it you’re
giving them again?
F: Frankincense.
G: And remind me what
that is?
F: It’s an aromatic
gum resin.
G: Uh-huh.
And you believed that was appropriate because…?
F: Frankincense is
known to have soothing properties. I
thought after the turbulence of childbirth, the participants might appreciate a
calming influence.
G: I suppose. But have you noticed how quiet it’s been?
– a starlit firmament, the absence of a
breeze, not a peep out of anything? If I
were a Weather Man – or a songwriter – I’d say, “All is calm, all is bright.”
F: You’re saying they
won’t need a calming influence?
G: It seems somewhat
redundant.
F: You’re right,
they’re going to hate it! I know exactly
what’s going to happen. They’ll be all
nice about it and everything. “Look,
Joseph – frankincense! What a beautiful
present!” And then, angling for
reassurance, I’ll say, “Are you sure you like it? I could take it back.” And they’ll say, “Oh, no, it’s perfect! We were just talking about how we were really
low on frankincense and my husband said, ‘Maybe I should pick some up’, and I
said, ‘Hold off a little. We might get
some as a present’, and here we are!
It’s like a miracle. I mean, it’s
no ‘Virgin Birth’ or anything, but it’s still amazingly timely.” I despise that excruciating charade. I wish
I had brought something else!
MYRRH: You wish.
F: Oh, yeah, I forgot. With you around, I am guaranteed no worse
than “Second Most Terrible Gift.”
M: Well that’s not very supportive.
F: Your gift makes no
sense whatsoever.
G: What was your gift
again?
M: Myrrh.
F: Terrible!
M: It’s not that bad.
F: Oh, really? First of all, myrrh is also a gum resin. I mean,
three gifts, and two of them are gum resins?
These guys are going to have to be really good actors. “You can never have enough gum resin.” This is a train wreck!
G: A what?
F: It’s bad.
M: It may be okay. There is
actually a substantial difference between my
gum resin and your gum resin. Yours in an aromatic gum resin. And mine
is a bitter gum resin.
F: (TO G) You know what bitter gum resins are used for?
G: No, what?
F: Embalming. He’s bringing them a burial spice. (TO M) I
hope you kept the receipt.
M: In a little pouch
inside the myrrh pouch. But the store’s
in Samarkand.
F: Remember now, you
promised. I give my gift first. I go after
you and it’s like, “Oooh, more gum resin.”
No way. I want to be the first
gum resin they get.
M: I don’t know, after
my bitter gum resin, aromatic gum resin might be a step up.
F: I’m going first!
M: Okay! Okay!
G: You know, you Wise
Men – and your behavior puts the title into question – are both making too much
of all this. Remember: “It’s the thought that counts.”
F: Spoken like a man
who’s giving gold.
G: What!
It’s simply what came to mind.
F: Yeah, right, you
big showoff.
G: You
could have brought gold.
M: “Gold, gold and
myrrh.” They’d certainly remember me then.
F: Why do you always
have to be better than everyone else?
G: That’s not how I
thought about it.
M: “Let’s see. What gift should I bring them? I know.
Something that makes everyone else’s gift look terrible and cheap!”
G: It’s not a lot of gold.
F: (To M) Did you see the pouch it’s in?
M: The pouch alone is better than my present.
G: If you’re so
unhappy with your gift, you should have brought them something else.
M: Like what?
G: I don’t know. Booties.
M: “Gold,
frankincense and socks.” That’s much better.
F: Why didn’t you get booties?
G: Because I brought
gold! Dear Lord – who was just
born. Do I have to apologize for being
the only one who’s bringing a decent gift?
F/M: (TOGETHER) YES!!
F: You know, in truth,
we have no idea who we’re bringing this stuff to. They could be
loaded. They could open the pouch and
it’s like, (BLASÉ) “Oh, gold. Throw it on the pile.”
G: Unlikely.
M: F’s right. Your
gift could be the least appreciated
gift of all.
F: “He put zero
thought into it. ‘Gold. Done!’”
G: I think we should
stop talking for a while.
F: You’re the boss,
Mr. Moneybags.
THEY CAMEL ALONG IN SILENCE.
FINALLY…
M: Are you sure we’re
going the right way?
G: I am following the
star.
M: Maybe we should
stop and get directions.
G: That’s not
necessary.
F: Oooh, Mr. “Gold
Giver.” Too good to ask directions.
G: Directions to
where? Are you kidding me? We have no idea where we’re going!
M: Okay! Take it easy!
You’re turning all red.
F: (TO G) Would you like a little frankincense to calm
you down?
M: I’d like slip him some myrrh.
F: Oh. For “embalming.” I
get it.
G: (DRYLY) Hilarious.
M: You know, all this
bickering. It’s because of the
presents.
F: You’re right. If only we could honor special occasions in a
less competitive manner.
G: A celebratory song, perhaps.
F: Could that be
because you’re an exceptional singer?
G: Well…
F: He won an
encampment citation. The guy never
stops.
M: Let’s just stick
with the presents. And hope that they’re
big resin gum fans.
F: That’s gum resin.
M: Oh.
THE THREE-CAMEL CARAVAN PROCEEDS ON TOWARDS BETHLEHEM, AND
INTO NEW TESTAMENTAL HISTORY.
G: (TO HIMSELF) Everybody
likes gold.
F: Not if they’re
loaded.
3 comments:
I don't mind seeing this one again. I thought it was very funny.
Hey, folks? Can we all get together to send Earl some gum resin for Hanukkah?
wg
According to western Christian lore, the wise men (or Magi) were: Balthasar, Caspar and Melchior. There seems to be as many different names as there are different regions of Christianity.
I do recall this from the original post; it's still enjoyable.
We could all chip in and buy some myrrh for Earl? Not gold? I do have some old Juicy Fruit available...is that a modern form of gum resin?
Clancy: I don't know. We could give him rosin (which Wikipedia says is hardened resin), the stuff violinists use on their bows.
wg
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