I have neither the right nor the intention of disparaging
anyone else’s belief systems, but when I think about it, which I confess is not
often, I cannot get my head anywhere near
around the concept of “The Afterlife.”
(Note: I don’t
know why this is, but it is a virtual certainty that if a person holds an
opinion that differs from another person’s opinion – they don’t even have to
entirely differ; they can simply express insufficient agreement – then the
person who holds that differing opinion will inevitably get mad at the other person and occasionally
want to kill them.
I don’t entirely get that.
Nobody gets upset if I say that my favorite color is orange and theirs
is a different color. But in numerous arenas – and it doesn’t have
to be ideological, it can be “I can’t stand tomatoes” or “I despised the
‘Hangover’ movies, even the first one” – holding a differing opinion can get
you ostracized, attacked, and, if religion is involved, burned at the
stake.
This “Note” is entirely self-serving, as I am asking you to restrain
yourself from doing those things – especially the last one. Thank you.)
To me, the idea of Heaven is the ecclesiastical equivalent
of
“I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.”
You want something from someone now – the price of a hamburger, their acquiescing acceptance of a
terrible, horrible life, etc. – with the promise of repayment in the future
that they, from a probability standpoint, are unlikely to receive.
And a lot of people buy into idea of Heaven, many of them
smart people. So you know…(and I ask
this sincerely and respectfully)… Why?
I am imagining a conversation between a “Christian Slave
Owner” (not necessarily a Southern
slaveholder; they had slaves in other places as well) and a recalcitrant “Converted
Christian Slave”, which might go something like this.
CHRISTIAN SLAVE
OWNER: Go to work.
CONVERTED CHRISTIAN
SLAVE: I don’t want to.
C.S.O.: Blasphemy!
C.C.S.: Why?
I’m not talking back to God. I’m
talking back to you.
God made you a
slave and made me your benefactor.
My slave owner.
Point taken. But a beneficent slave owner. Look how I am allowing you to talk to
me.
Thank you.
Now go to work!
You go to work!
Look here, Unpaid Underling.
There is a “Divine System” at play here, a “Celestial Arrangement” not
to be tampered with. You have seen how
each animal fits into a…call it a “Circle of Life” – even though it is actually
a “Circle of Death” but it is in place nonetheless
– where every animal has an animal it
eats and another animal that eats them? That’s how it works. Challenge
that “Deistic Construct” and it falls entirely to pieces.
What’s that to me?
The analogy is staring you in the face, Man! We too are participants in a “Divine Arrangement.” I am the slave owner, and you are the slave.
I don’t care for it.
Irrelevant! Do you
think the gazelle cares to be eaten by the lion?
Why would they? Still, you don’t see a gazelle going, “Oh,
here comes a lion. Ah, well, that’s just
the ‘Celestial Arrangement.’ I may as
well just stand here and let him gobble me up.”
They don’t do that.
They run like crazy!
Yes, because gazelles are unaware of the magnificent reward
that awaits them. But as a Converted
Christian Slave, you are.
(SKEPTICAL) Oh yeah.
Do I sense doubts?
Is it still twenty lashes for “Doubts”?
At a minimum.
Then, no. But I do have questions. You’re allowed to ask questions, aren’t you?
As long as they do not impugn our long-established and
deeply held beliefs.
And who determines if they do?
I do.
What a surprise. All
right, I have one highly respectful question.
That is entirely acceptable.
But first, here’s what I understand, and you tell me if I’ve
got it right.
Fire away.
I work for you. For
nothing. You can do whatever you want
with me – work me to death, punish me – often severely – for the tiniest
infraction, split up my family by selling them off to other slave owners and, if you have the inclination, do stuff with
my wife.
Correct.
And it’s a one-way street, so to speak.
Meaning…?
I can’t work you to death, punish you for infractions, split up your family or do anything with your wife.
Again, totally correct.
And I’m being atypically generous by permitting you those thoughts.
One might wonder why I put up with this distinctly
unbalanced situation, aside from the fact that you have the law on your side,
which screamingly begs the question because the slave owners write the laws.
Have you been secretly educating yourself? Because you know that’s not permissible.
I was a lawyer in the other place. When this is over, I plan to write a book
about my experiences called “So-and-So Years A Slave” – I’ll put the number in
later. Anyway, you ask me to accept this
one-sided situation without complaint because – correct me if I am mistaken – after
I’m dead…which if I say the wrong thing here could be almost
immediately…there’s this “Afterlife” – which to the pre-Christian “me” is already a contradiction in terms – ”After…life” – there’s a place you call “Heaven”
where I will receive my just and eternal reward.
Gold star! You have
the entire concept down perfectly.
And because of this “Heaven” – my eternal reward being well
worth the crap I am required to take for a comparatively short period of time –
it behooves me to know my place here on earth and to remain contentedly in it.
Absolutely.
Which leads me to my question.
Which is…?
What if there’s no Heaven?
Well, there’s the problem, you see. If you question the existence of Heaven, you
will be forever banned from experiencing
it.
You mean, if it exists but you don’t believe it exists, you can never go to Heaven?
You can recant on your deathbed, but otherwise, no.
So I can’t even have doubts.
You can have doubts.
But why would you want to?
Suppose I concede that slavery is no fun. What you are then left with are two choices –
you can endure your discomforts in the full and liberating knowledge that the bounties
of eternity are waiting for you, or you can endure the discomforts of slavery and
then die.
But what if the whole thing’s a big fairy tale deliberately
concocted to keep me from rising up?
Forget about “rising up.”
We have all the guns, and you don’t even have shoes. Your only choice here concerns how you decide
to feel about your horrible existence – will you experience it as meaningless
torture, or as meaningless torture where the books are magnificently balanced
in the “Great Beyond.”
Okay. I will toil in
your fields. And sing catchy spirituals
while I do. But there is one thing you
will never know.
What’s that?
You will never know if I am singing them ironically. Hah!
I believe I can live with that. Now sir, I have one question for you.
Shoot! Though not in
the literal sense.
Were you just stalling right now, so you wouldn’t have to go
to work?
Why, Master! Heaven
forbid!
AS THEY HEAD OUT TO THE FIELDS.
CONVERTED CHRISTIAN
SLAVE: You actually believe this
is okay, don’t you?
CHRISTIAN SLAVE
OWNER: “This is God’s Plan. God’s Plan is perfect. This plan is perfect.”
CONVERTED CHRISTIAN
SLAVE: Wow, that almost
persuaded me. No wait.
It didn’t.
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