When I was 65, I had my first colonoscopy. The gastroenterologist found – and deleted –
four polyps, and I was instructed to come back in a year. When I did, they found – and deleted – one
polyp, ordering a return encounter in a year-and-a-half.”
Well, folks, it’s “a year-and-a-half” today.
On occasions of uncertainty, I like to go talk to the ocean
(which is four blocks from my house.) Invariably,
as with the mountains at the spa I go to in Mexico (or more specifically the
“only I can see” Mariachi band on top
of those mountains), the ocean talks back.
And, occasionally, sings.
This is the ditty the ocean serenaded me with yesterday
morning from two blocks away, as I walked down to Peet’s, for a permissible “Colonoscopy Prep Day” cup of coffee.
I know it’s dumb bordering on impossible to verbally communicate
rhythm and melody on paper, but I shall boldly make the effort nonetheless.
Imagine a lilting, Caribbean tempo, the toe-tapping tune
going,
Bump-bump-bump-bump
bump bum (as in “Dear, Office
Krupke” but will guitars and steel drums.)
Bump-bump-bump-bump
bum
Bump-bump-bump-bump
bump bum
Bump-bump-bump bump
bum (the last “bum” goes up)
Bump-bump-bump-bump
bump bum
Bump-bump-bump-bump
bum
Bump-bump-bump-bump
bump bum
Bump-bump-bump-bump
bum. (all notes here are the same)
All right, everybody.
Let’s sing along with the ocean!
We’re happy to see you
We hope you’ll be fine
We’ll never mislead
you
Or hand you a line
We know that you’re
worried
And scared in your gut
You never enjoy it
When they’re up your
butt.
The ocean’s forever
We flow in and out
We love that you visit
When you’re feeling
doubt
You want reassurance
To comfort your fears
You’re hoping they’ll
tell you
“Come back in five
years.”
You trust that your
doctor
Has your interests
first
Not ordering testing
To pad his net worth
He’s looking for bad
stuff
That he can remove
With luck your
intestines
Turn out to be smoove.
A cliché is coming
It’s corny we know
Our advice, like the
ocean,
Is “Go with the flow”
Relax and surrender
Let them have their
fun
We love you forever
Come back when they’re
done.
The preceding foolishness may well be “TMI” for you
guys. For me, it medicinally fills the
time.
As Randolph Scott said to the shot-up Joel McCrea in Ride The High Country
“I’ll see ya lay-dah.”
4 comments:
I hope that went butt-invadingly well.
Put it this way, every polyp they find is one that didn't get a chance to become a 'what-a-polyp-becomes.'
So you can thank the ocean - and modern technology - for that.
I don't know but seems like when you're talking about a colonoscopy all those "bump bump bump bumps" should have been "rump rump rump rumps". {And having been a veteran of 5 colonoscopy's, all in my 30s & 40s, I can say they probably did save my life as the doc said what they pulled out of me probably would have turned cancerous in another month to month and a half]
On my first colonoscopy I woke up for a minute half way through and looked up at the screen and saw all this dark stuff. For the next two weeks I was convinced I would be going in for a bad news follow up appointment. Doctor laughed at my anxiety and told me it was all ok and probably just a shadow. Damn those shadows and laughing doctors!
Ya'll crack me up!
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