Thursday, January 17, 2019

"It Was Fun Till We Got Robbed (Part Three)"

Backtracking, but only a little…

On January the 1st 2019, as we prepared to depart our hotel room for breakfast at the Kahala Hotel and Resort’s “Plumeria Beach House” in Honolulu Hawaii, we discovered that Dr. M’s purse and my Major Dad commemorative shoulder bag were no longer on the premises.

Apparently, someone had entered our hotel room and stolen our stuff, most importantly, our I.D.’s (Driver’s licenses), a substantial amount of cash (for tipping beachfront attendants; we are massively generous – Hey, it’s the holidays!) and our credit cards.

After determining we could not both have accidentally left our possessions elsewhere, we immediately called “Security.”

First to arrive at the “Crime Scene” were Reggie, a former Honolulu police officer whose untoned physique signaled a preponderance of “Desk Duty,” followed shortly thereafter by his boss, the hotel’s no-nonsense “Head of Security”, Joseph, whose closely cropped hairstyle and no detectable body fat displayed telltale evidence of “Marine.” 

We were subsequently joined by a dispatched Honolulu police officer (on New Year’s Day, poor guy), “D. – “Initial Only” on the received “Interim Burglary Report” – Witherwax”, who took down all the “particulars”, practiced in earlier “grillings”, conducted by Reggie and Joseph.

2019 would be recalled as, “New Year’s Day Morning with the ‘Authorities.’”

Jumping ahead so I won’t sound like Lenny Bruce, tediously reading transcripts of “Courtroom Testimony” – for his “Obscenity” charge – onstage, let’s see how far I can coherently jump ahead.

Yadda-Yadda-Yadda.  Yadda-Yad…

Okay, now.  I hope.

The hotel’s “On-Site Surveillance System” records when your hotel room door is “Fully Engaged” and when it is not, and exactly how long it is not.  Through this clandestine equipment, we learned that our hotel room door was not “Fully Engaged” between 3:14 and 5:09 the afternoon of December 31st.  

The thing is, Dr. M was in the room that entire time.   Plus – more definitively – a “Closed Circuit” camera in the hotel elevator – there are no cameras covering the hallways – revealed me, still in possession of my Major Dad commemorative shoulder bag, heading up to our hotel room at 5:08. 

Since my Major Dad commemorative shoulder bag was still in my possession at 5:08, the burglary must have occurred after 5:08.  That’s the law of “A thing can’t be two places at the same time.”  Combined with the law of “Shut up – we are trying to be serious here.”     

All I know – and I know that because Joseph informed me of it based on studying the “Surveillance” – was that when we left for the “New Year’s Eve Banquet” – the regular buffet but twice as expensive because you get paper hats – at 6:10, our door was designated, “Fully Secured.”  (You see?  I closed the door good!)

Now between 6:21 and 6:29… or so, I am applying exact numbers so this will sound more “official” – though actual numbers exist and are available on request – “Housekeeping” came in to turn down our beds.  And leave two foil-encased chocolates on our respective pillows.

The door was subsequently confirmed to be “Fully Engaged.”

After we returned from the “New Year’s Eve Banquet”, however, at 7:38 – missing the annual celebratory event by four hours and twenty-two minutes – the technology revealed that, once again – because we are extremely nice people and did not want to disturb any early-retiring neighbors with an egregious door slam – our door was, although “Closed”, not “Fully Secured.”

The thing is, we were in that hotel room the rest of the time, “the rest of the time” meaning until discovering the break-in the following morning.

Here’s what that means, though you may have already worked this out for yourselves.

Excluding “Burglarized in their rooms while they were awake”, because I do not recall the words, “Who are you and what are you doing in our hotel room?” emanating from either of our mouths,

The evidence suggests one of two possible alternatives:


Something nefarious took place between 6:21 and 6:29.


We were burglarized in our hotel room while we were asleep.

(That alternative making us grateful we were just “burglarized” and not “burglarized and murdered in their beds.”)

This leaves us a mystery.

We were unquestionably burglarized.

But the crime could not possibly have been committed both ways.

Was it “Housekeeping” (and their felonious accomplices)?

Or creepy, sleepy “Infiltrators of the Night?”

Stay tuned…

Not for an ultimate conclusion.

But for further specifics of what happened.

Though I fear Lenny Bruce tried exactly the same thing.

And a lot of people walked out.

Stay tuned anyway, will ya?


Anonymous said...

The image of a burglar, entering an occupied room, hoping its occupants really are asleep, then, in the dark, finding both your bag and Dr. M.'s... and somehow knowing your cash and I.D. were in that "Major Dad" memorabilia stretches the credulity.

Seems more plausible this was done in full light, meaning a high probability it's the cleaning crew.

FFS said...

I am awaiting a happy ending.