Monday, June 3, 2013

"Colonoscopy - 'Take Three'"

When I was 65, I had my first colonoscopy.  The gastroenterologist found – and deleted – four polyps, and I was instructed to come back in a year.  When I did, they found – and deleted – one polyp, ordering a return encounter in a year-and-a-half.” 

Well, folks, it’s “a year-and-a-half” today.

On occasions of uncertainty, I like to go talk to the ocean (which is four blocks from my house.)  Invariably, as with the mountains at the spa I go to in Mexico (or more specifically the “only I can see” Mariachi band on top of those mountains), the ocean talks back.  And, occasionally, sings.

This is the ditty the ocean serenaded me with yesterday morning from two blocks away, as I walked down to Peet’s, for a permissible “Colonoscopy Prep Day” cup of coffee.  

I know it’s dumb bordering on impossible to verbally communicate rhythm and melody on paper, but I shall boldly make the effort nonetheless.

Imagine a lilting, Caribbean tempo, the toe-tapping tune going,

Bump-bump-bump-bump bump bum  (as in “Dear, Office Krupke” but will guitars and steel drums.)

Bump-bump-bump-bump bum

Bump-bump-bump-bump bump bum

Bump-bump-bump bump bum  (the last “bum” goes up)

Bump-bump-bump-bump bump bum

Bump-bump-bump-bump bum

Bump-bump-bump-bump bump bum

Bump-bump-bump-bump bum. (all notes here are the same)

All right, everybody.  Let’s sing along with the ocean!

We’re happy to see you

We hope you’ll be fine
We’ll never mislead you

Or hand you a line

We know that you’re worried

And scared in your gut

You never enjoy it

When they’re up your butt.

The ocean’s forever

We flow in and out

We love that you visit

When you’re feeling doubt

You want reassurance

To comfort your fears

You’re hoping they’ll tell you

“Come back in five years.”

You trust that your doctor

Has your interests first

Not ordering testing

To pad his net worth

He’s looking for bad stuff

That he can remove

With luck your intestines

Turn out to be smoove.

A cliché is coming

It’s corny we know

Our advice, like the ocean,

Is “Go with the flow”

Relax and surrender

Let them have their fun

We love you forever

Come back when they’re done.

The preceding foolishness may well be “TMI” for you guys.  For me, it medicinally fills the time.

As Randolph Scott said to the shot-up Joel McCrea in Ride The High Country

“I’ll see ya lay-dah.”


Mac said...

I hope that went butt-invadingly well.

Put it this way, every polyp they find is one that didn't get a chance to become a 'what-a-polyp-becomes.'
So you can thank the ocean - and modern technology - for that.

YEKIMI said...

I don't know but seems like when you're talking about a colonoscopy all those "bump bump bump bumps" should have been "rump rump rump rumps". {And having been a veteran of 5 colonoscopy's, all in my 30s & 40s, I can say they probably did save my life as the doc said what they pulled out of me probably would have turned cancerous in another month to month and a half]

Frank said...

On my first colonoscopy I woke up for a minute half way through and looked up at the screen and saw all this dark stuff. For the next two weeks I was convinced I would be going in for a bad news follow up appointment. Doctor laughed at my anxiety and told me it was all ok and probably just a shadow. Damn those shadows and laughing doctors!

Butkowski said...

Ya'll crack me up!