Wednesday, October 17, 2012

"Thirty-Two Things That A Candidate For President Cannot Say"

The following are thirty-two things that a candidate for the presidency of the United States cannot say:

To do anything serious about the deficit, we will eventually have to raise taxes on everyone.

One of the reasons my opponent and I differ on the issues is that the major contributors to our respective campaigns differ on what they want us to say.

I would have no problem standing up to my “base”; it’s just that they never say anything I disagree with.

If my opponent were (re)elected, I do not believe anything terrible would really happen.

I have no idea what to do about Afghanistan.

There are times when I’m onstage standing in front of this enormous crowd when I’m just dying to grab that microphone, look them straight in the eye, and go, "Jeremiah was a bullfrog..."

Every president learns “on the job” because there is no other job like it. 

If elected, I will fight for all Americans, not just the ones who voted for me.  I will, however, fight for the ones who voted for me a little harder.

The way the Constitution is set up, the president has a lot less power than you’d think.

I have to tell you, there are times during those long campaign events when I really have to pee. 

We can influence but cannot ultimately control what other countries decide to do.

We’ve spent a lot of money on this campaign, but I am not sure the people receiving most of it are doing me any good at all.

I’m a faithful husband, but on the night I accepted the nomination?  You can’t believe what people were asking me to sign!

The real different between me and my opponent?  When you get down to it?  Not that much. 

I hate my opponent.  Not because of what he stands for.  But because if he wins, I lose!

They have every right to do so, but the people who vote for the other guy are idiots.

Just once, I’d like to end a speech without saying “…and God bless America!”

There are times when competing for president is virtually impossible.  But if George W. could win twice, how hard can it really be?

I am praying they don’t serve gizzards again.

If there’s a Supreme Court vacancy, I am nominating this girl Susie who was nice to me in High School.

I am really tired of going to Ohio.

I know you are, but what am I?

When they ask me how I’d fix the economy, I try hard to project confidence.  But inside, there’s a part of my brain going, “You have no idea what you’re talking about, do you.”

I have always wanted to be president.  But more and more lately, I am beginning to wonder, “Why?”

If I’m (re)elected, do you think they’d allow me to live on a houseboat?

There are moments when, in all honesty, I wish that our party mascot were the other animal.

I won’t say I don’t care about the poor.  But, you know, they never vote, so…what the heck!

When this is over, I’m going to ask my opponent where he gets his suits.

Though I strongly disagree with his policies, I must say my opponent has a sweet face and an endearing smile.

Sometimes I get so worn out from campaigning, I do not care about the outcome.  I just want it to be over.

There is one promise I will never go back on.  If I win the election, I promise to be the same color I am today.

Those are the first thirty-two things a presidential candidate can’t say that came to my mind.  (There was a thirty-third one, but it was no good.)

Perhaps you can suggest others.


len said...

guns kill people

YEKIMI said...

And us Ohioans are tired of them coming here!

YEKIMI said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I wonder if each nominee has a Mr Italics Man inside of him?

JED said...

I've often thought that, like at the United Nations where they have translations going on as someone is speaking to the General Assembly, it would be nice to have subtitles at the bottom of the screen from real-time fact checkers. So, when Candidate A says, "Candidate B once said he hated apple pie," the subtitles would scroll across with the fact checkers message, "Candidate B never said that. Candidate B said he preferred cherry pie to apple pie."

But in fitting with Earl's request, sort of, this would never happen. Both sides would probably be embarrassed.

Jim Dodd (JED)