A political candidate
delivers a speech hooked up to a machine that buzzes every time he says
anything untrue:
Good Evening. I’m Bob
Michaels.
BUZZ
I’m Bob Markowitz.
Tonight, it is my honor…
BUZZ
It is my duty…
BUZZ
It’s what politicians do… Which is to speak to you on the
eve of what many people believe…
BUZZ
Of what some people believe…
BUZZ
Of what my handlers have told me to pretend… is the most
important election…
EYEING THE MACHINE
Since the last
election. (CHUCKLING) Just a little joke.
BUZZ
Okay, I was cornered.
But it was funny.
BUZZ
A little funny.
NO BUZZ
(TO MACHINE) Thank
you. (THEN) My fellow Americans, what we
are dealing with in this election are two candidates who hold diametrically
opposing views…
BUZZ
Who have substantially differing views…
BUZZ
Who agree on just about everything. The real
difference is in character. Throughout
this campaign, my opponent has lied…
BUZZ
Has seriously distorted…
BUZZ
Has told the truth about my record. As I have told the truth about his.
BUZZ
Okay, we both
lied. But he started it.
BUZZ
I started it. But make no mistake. My opponent and I are not the same. It saddens me deeply...
BUZZ
I am happy to tell you… that my opponent has received huge campaign
donations from corporate billionaires, who I would never in the world have gone
to for money.
BUZZ
I would think long and hard about going to for money.
BUZZ
I asked them for
money, and they laughed in my face. But
let me tell you something. The Fat Cats may hate me. But I welcome
their hate.
BUZZ
What have I got to lose? – They’re not giving me any money!
But you know what? That’s
fine. Because when you come down to it, I’m
for the little guy.
BUZZ
I’m for whoever contributes to my campaign. Let me finish by saying that, win or lose, I
mean what I say.
BUZZ
I’ve think seriously about what I say.
BUZZ
What do you want me to say? – I’ll say it. Throughout this campaign, I have been
consistent…
BUZZ
In my inconsistency. My
opponent calls it “flip-folopping”; I call it “playing to win.” It’s been a long, hard campaign, Ladies and
Gentlemen, but I am energized…
BUZZ
…very tired, but confident I will prevail.
BUZZ
I have little doubt that I will prevail.
BUZZ
The polls say I’m a goner.
But the only poll that really counts is the poll where you, the
electorate, cast your votes. Voting is a
civic duty. And so, my friends
BUZZ
Whoever you are…I
don’t care who you vote for…
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
As long as you vote for me.
On behalf of my beautiful wife…
BUZZ
(PLEADING, TO THE MACHINE)
Gimme a break, will ya!
AN ASHAMED SILENCE FROM THE MACHINE
On behalf on my beautiful wife and our two wonderful
children, I thank you for your support. God
bless you all, and may God bless America.
THE SPEECH IS OVER.
That could have
gone worse.
BUZZ
You can turn it off now.
3 comments:
This was very good, Earl. As you've said (or somebody said), for something to be truly funny, it has to hit close to the mark. You did that, I think.
But it's a little sad, too. I've gotten to the point where I don't think a person who tells the truth will get elected. Remember the famous Walter Mondale quote, "Mr. Reagan will raise taxes, and so will I. He won't tell you. I just did." That didn't get him very far.
Jim Dodd
Very funny and depressingly accurate. Speaking of political machinations, I saw your credit on a very interesting doc called "Family Guys?" on the BBC (or the online thingy that BBC programmes go onto) about the relationship between US sitcom and US society, with the emphasis on politics. It was a credit for an ep of the Cosby Show, which they played a clip of. So you'll be getting a royalty cheque in the post - although it's the BBC so I wouldn't be ordering a new Porsche. Very good doc though.
Reminiscent of a bit Carson used to do.
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