"Job Hunting"

Dear Professional Prescription Drug-Naming Company,

I am looking for a job and, having seen countless commercials on which prescription drugs of all kinds are promoted, I think I would be very good at thinking up names for new ones.

You know, they used to have contests where, if you could draw a pirate like the one on a matchbook cover, you could get a scholarship to a reputable art school.  Since I am unaware of similar contests in your field, I am proactively forwarding a list of suggested prescription drug names.  I hope you will see this as both a representative sample of my work and a reflection of my genuine desire to join the prescription- drug-naming fraternity.

Before I offering my submission, please excuse any accidental inclusions of names of prescription drugs that are currently in use.  Let me assure you, these all come “directly out of my head.” I did not “crib” from any available list.  It’s just, you know… sometimes “Great Minds” inevitably think alike.

Anyway, the following is my “Audition List”, if you will, of what I believe are viable prescription drug names, ready to be slapped on bottles of virtually anything and sent flying off the shelves because they are so mnemonically memorable.

Okay, here we go.  Wait.  I’ll “Tee it up” for you.

“Ask your doctor about…”

Blabinza

Zenzinap

Trivolpi

Znimbitol

Znombotil

Quylnar

Plyrm

Zymzynax

Exolza

Arvenzapol

Plynyx

Kylubrazerm

Zda[omzul (sorry, I had my fingers on the wrong keys.  I meant…)

Zdapinzyk

Clivalpi

Xylonzi

Plyrenol

Vibintiblic

I have more, but I have been warned by my advisors to “Be careful.”  You send people some free drug names, and suddenly, they are popping up at Walgreen’s.  Also, please excuse the presumptuousness of my sending you anything.  People see things on TV and they think, “I can do that.”  Who knows?  Maybe it’s harder than it looks.  Maybe, unbeknownst to the public, there is a “method” to the prescription-drug-naming “madness”, which only appears to be madness but is actually something else.

I hope “Sample Submission” makes you think “He’s one of us.”  I feel I was born to write new prescription drug names.

All I need is the chance.

Sincerely,

Earl Pomerantz

Santa Monica, California.

(Question To Readers:  How many egregious insults were inadvertently included in his application?  I do not wish to “self-sabotage” here.  I want this job!)