"Inherited Footwear"

When you buy a pair of New Balance sneakers at the Frontrunners where I buy mine – I cannot vouch for all Frontrunners– “I think I’ll try a Frontrunners further from my house” – why would I want to do that?

Anyway, at the Frontrunners I go to, when you buy a new pair of sneakers, they ask you if you want to donate your oldsneakers to… I don’t know – and I don’t want to ask in case they’re pretending to donate them and they just throw them away, in which case I am forcing them to lie, and if they lie badly, I have to pretend to believe them, so I will not hurt their feelings – we now return to the original sentence – the store donates the used sneakers – let us mutually agree – somewhere, where they are then distributed to people who cannot afford hundred-and-seventy-eight dollar sneakers, which, if you include reasonable people, means virtually anyone.

Let us say – for the purpose of this exercise – that the portrayed recipient is an itinerant homeless person, in serious need of replacement footwear.  Not necessarily sneakers.  But no one’s donating discarded “Wedding shoes.”

At least not in this story.

Generic Charity Discarded Wedding Shoe Recipient: “”Wow!  Now that I’ve gotten these discarded ‘Wedding shoes’, I wonder if I can take back my ‘Will Not Attend’?

Nah.  What are my chances of receiving a discarded wedding present, as well?”

Anyway – and the belated premise of this post –

A needy person – and I am certain they hate that word, although they generally need stuff so it fits – receives a pair of “pre-owned” New Balance sneakers donated by a recent Frontrunners customer.  How exactly would they react?  (If they were a person with a questionable attitude?  Okay, me, if I was needy.)

The consequent interlude might go something – okay, exactly – like this:

“There you go.  A new pair of sneakers.  (OFF RECIPIENT’S SKEPTICAL LOOK)  Okay, ‘New to you.’”

“Thank you for the corrected accuracy.  (EXAMINING SNEAKERS)  New Balance, huh?  I prefer to wear Nikes.” 

“Well, you know…”

“Don’t say it. ‘Beggars can’t be choosers.’  Talk about ‘an affront to our dignity.’  And you know what? – We can!  I saw a couch on the sidewalk the other day, I walked right past it.  Okay, I came back later to sleep on it.  But I left it right where it was.  It clashed with the décor of my alley.  And besides, it was heavy.”

(GESTURING TO SNEAKERS) “Why don’t you try them on, see if they fit?”

“I hope so.  The last ones I received were a “Nine” and I’m a “Ten-and-a-half.”  Wound up at the Free Clinic podiatrist’s.  It’s the proverbial, ‘They give with one hand…’  Like they give you a tax cut and then they take away your health care. Being theoretical on both counts because I have neither.  My ‘Complete Medical Coverage’ is “Die.”  (LOOKS INSIDE SHOE)  Oh, great.”

“What’s wrong?”

(SHOWING HIM WHAT’S WRONG) “No ‘cushioning insole.’”

“I guess the previous owner wore orthotics, and they removed the New Balance insoles so the orthotics would fit properly in the shoes.”

“Paraphrasing the beggar from Fiddler on the Roof,  ‘If they had flat feet, why should Isuffer?”

“Just try them on.”

(SIGHING UNGRATEFULLY) “O…kay.  (BEFORE PULLING SHOE ON)  I am not going to smell it.  One does have one's pride.”

HE PULLS THE SHOE ON.

(REACTING TO THE FIT) “A little roomy.  And somewhat narrower than I’d prefer.”

“Try on the other one.”

“You’re right.  My feet are not exactly the same size.  If one fits and one doesn’t, I’m going to be hopping all over the place.”

PULLS ON THE OTHER SNEAKER.

“This one’s a little bigger. I’ll have to wear one heavier sock. Fortunately, I have numerous salvaged ‘singles’ of various thicknesses.”

“Lace them up and take them out for a ‘spin.’”

“You’re a cheerful “Middle Man”, aren’t you?  ‘Take them out for a “spin.”’  Sure.  (LOOKING DOWN AT SNEAKERS)  Uh-oh.”

“Now what?”

“I despise the “lacing’.”   

“You have a problem with the ‘lacing’?”

“I’ve run into it before. It chafes my ankles.  Hey, do you think I could go back to Frontrunnersand have them lace them up in a way consistent with my personal preference?”

“Sure, if you took a bath.”

“That would require a discarded bathtub.  Okay, I’ll just knot them more loosely, to deter punishing ‘vein pressure.’ (KNOTTING THEM LOOSELY)  While avoiding perilous, hanging ‘loose ends’ that could cause me to tumble.”

HE STANDS UP IN THE SHOES.

“Walk around a little.”

“Sure.  You want free sneakers, you have to ‘give ‘em a show’.”

EXAGGERATING AN ABBREVIATED “TEST STROLL” WITH THE NEW SNEAKERS.

“’So, do we have a ‘sale’?”

“I love when you rub it in. (FINISHING SAMPLING THE SNEAKERS) I guess they’re all right.”

“Great.”

“You know, there’s only one thing better than receiving free sneakers.”

“What’s that?”

“Is that all you do? ‘What’s wrong?’ and ‘What’s that?’ By the way, did you know they paid the “straight men” more than they paid the comedians?  I’ve never understood that, have you?”

“Can we return to the subject at hand?”

“Oh yeah.  You know, there’s only one thing better than receiving free sneakers. 

“What’s that?”

“Receiving free sneakers and complaining about it.  (OFF AN UNSMILING REACTION)  Not funny?”

“It would have been better without the interruption.”

“Oh.  Now who’s complaining?”