Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Actual Names (And Otherwise) - Can You Guess Which Are Which?"

I shall dispense with the traditional setup.  The idea reemerged in my consciousness when I heard on TV of this American Revolutionary Era guy named Charles Lynch, whose meted-out “unauthorized punishments” are considered the source of the deplorable term, “Lynching.” 

I am saying it’s real.

Surnames reflecting a characteristic behavior entering the vernacular as commonly used nouns, verbs and grammatical descriptives and, not unusually, all three. 

I shall demonstrate how pervasively typical this phenomenon is by confining myself to a constricted category of consideration: 

People’s names transformed into words related specifically – since it is currently in the air – to infant babies.   

I can do this.  (I think.)

Are you ready?

Let’s ride!

Olivia Preemie – When she arrived at every party she was ever invited to, her hosts were invariably still in the shower. 

Francois Bassinette – Who, for reasons never fully explained, would sleep, curled up in a miniature wicker-walled crib.  (See Also:  Jeremy Crib, who never slept in a bed without sides, though it was later discovered he had furtively “Cribbed” the idea from somebody else.) 

Balthazar Cuddly (originally “Cudleigh”) – Habitually cozied up to anyone who… well pretty much anyone.  Surprisingly, nobody actually seemed to object.

Marcel Diaper (pronounced “D’ya-pay”) – An embarrassing “Plumbing Problem” prompted the invention of disposal underwear.

Horatio Onesey – Exhibited a congenital aversion to the separation of shirts and pants.

Jennifer Swaddle – No one has ever seen her appendages.

Abigail Snoozer – Whose problem, contrasting with insomnia, was staying awake.  (Not to be confused with Lydia Slumber, whose name alone could send you happily to “Slumberland.”)
Vladimir Poop – An unwelcome visitor to the nose who later turned lemons to lemonade, commanding a court-imposed royalty when anyone says, “Did you ‘Poop’?”  (And now I owe him.)

Marianne Rattle – As long as anyone can remember people have always been able to hear Marianne coming.

Winifred Drooling – Whose rare medical condition led people to a continual gesturing to her chin and a simulation of “daubing.”  ("Kissing' Cousins" with Sandra Dribble.)

Genvieve Bootez (later Anglicized to “Bootie”) – Rain or shine, Mademoiselle Boutez habitually wore nothing but diminutive, woolen footwear.  (On her feet.  I’m not saying she was naked, except for the “Booties.”)    

Cicily Throwup – Who never left home without a stack of precautionary paper bags.

Nicholas Cutiepie – Who maintained well into old age a congenital “Baby-Face”, though it was considered more adorable on babies, even by Cutiepie himself.

Joe Burp – Who could never finish a sentence without the gastric interjection that now and forever bears his name.

Isabel Pacifier (Hashtag: “Izzy-Pass”) – Her mere presence could bring calm to even the fussiest situations. 

Ludwig Von Breastmilk – Who does not technically belong here as his name per se is not associated with the natural nutrient.  Besides, upon “Coming of Age”, he legally changed it to “Ludwig Von Breitmuller” because “I got fed up with ze joking.”  I just thought I would throw it in.  ­

Auguste PurellWho claimed he could see germs.

And there you have it.  Admittedly, not all these examples are real.  But none of them?  That’s like saying none of the president’s sexual misconduct accusers are telling the truth. 

Would you want to put money on that?

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