Wednesday, January 9, 2013

"25 Reasons I Stopped Eating People - By: A Cow"

Number 25:  My doctor wants me to cut down.

Number 24:  They’re hard to digest, especially if they’re wearing a belt.

Number 23:  My Cousin Ralphie ate a “bad” one and he died.

Number 22:  It’s too easy to get addicted.

Number 21:  They smell kinda “people-y.”

Number 20:  Some of them smoke.

Number 19:  Since they’ve been having less kids, the supermarket prices have skyrocketed.

Reason Number 18 for why I stopped eating people:  One word:  Botox.

Number 17:  Two words:  Silicone implants. (You can’t break them down!)

Number 16:  When you eat a person, and that person ate cow meat, you are essentially eating yourself.

Number 15:  They have names.

Number 14:  I ate a bad one in Mexico and got terrible tourista.

Number 13:  It’s tough explaining why it’s okay to eat them to your kids.

Number 12:  I knew one of them’s wallet, and it bummed me out.

Number 11:  They leave an unpleasant aftertaste in your mouth.

Number 10:  Have you seen how they live?

Reason Number 9 for why I stopped eating people:  Their poop smells “funny.”

Number 8:  They never stop talking.

Number 7:  They have two eyes, two ears, a nose and a mouth – and so do I.

Number 6:  If you “freeze-dry” them, they lose all their nutritional value.

Number 5:  Studies show that months after you eat them, their DNA still shows up in your milk.

Number 4:  Reason Number Four for why I stopped eating people:  The little ones are so cute!

Number 3:  My dentures can’t handle ‘em.

Number 2:  Two days in the sun, and they “spoil.”

Number 1 – and the main reason I stopped eating people:

One of them feeds me.

And yet they are so darn delicious, aren’t they?

I could go for one right now.

NOTICE:  Cows are welcome to write in suggestions of their own.


Canda said...

Dear Cow, have you noticed when people are sitting on a blanket outside, surrounded by sandwiches and wine, it usually means it's going to rain?

Jill Pinnella Corso said...

Ha! I haven't been here in a while... was that a sequitur from anything? Loved it anyway.