"What Are You, Crazy? - Have An Oscar"

A highly respected lighting director for feature film is hired to work on a big-budget “Courtroom Drama” set in 2014.  Before the film starts shooting, he meets with the movie’s director, to receive his instructions.

WHAT THE DIRECTOR SAYS:

“I want naturalistic lighting.  On cue, the lights to go on – and the lights to go off.”

WHAT THE LIGHTING DIRECTOR HEARS: 

“No Oscar.”

The Film Editor meets with the director:

WHAT THE DIRECTOR SAYS:

“Linear storytelling.  Nothing fancy.”

WHAT THE FILM EDITOR HEARS:

“No Oscar.”

A renowned Costume Designer takes her turn with the director:

WHAT THE DIRECTOR SAYS:

“Contemporary attire.  Shoes.  Shirts.  Dark suits and ties.”

WHAT THE CONSTUME DESIGNER HEARS:

“No Oscar.”  (You cannot win an Oscar with a tie.)

The cinematographer sits down with the director:

WHAT THE DIRECTOR TELLS HIM:

“I want it clean, and I want it simple.”

WHAT THE CINEMATOGRAPHER HEARS:

“No Oscar.”  (“And boy, do I miss Fellini!")

The “Special Effects” Guru comes in for a meeting:

WHAT THE DIRECTOR SAYS:

“I don’t even know what you’re doing here.  This is a ‘Courtroom Drama’!”

WHAT THE SPECIAL EFFECTS GURU HEARS:

“No job".  (And consequently, of course, no Oscar.)

My point being:

You can do impeccable work in your area of expertise.  But if there is no demonstrable “flash” in your assignment....

There is no “Acceptance Speech” in your immediate future.

And, may I say, because this is where I’ve been heading with this all along, you can “Ditto” and double that for acting.

In my exhaustive research on this matter – and by “exhaustive” I mean, I did it till I got tired of it – I have discovered that the best – nay, the only – okay, let me quality –  the virtually only way of obtaining any Oscar consideration whatsoever is to nab a role playing a character who is either, sensory deprived, mentally troubled, some form of an addict, or a larger-than-life figure who actually existed.  

Evidence:

The following actors were either nominated or won Oscars for the following performances, all of which fall into the above-mentioned categories:  (NOTE:  If you can think of any other “Slam-Dunk” categories for sure-fire Oscars consideration, feel free to pass them along.)

Sensory Deprived:  (A partial smattering)

Al Pacino – Scent of a Woman ­­– won an Oscar, playing a blind man.

Jane Wyman – Johnny Belinda – won an Oscar, playing a deaf girl.

Patty Duke – The Miracle Worker – won a Oscar playing Helen Keller, who was deaf, dumb and blind.  (I don’t know why the other candidates in her category even bothered to show up.)

MENTALLY TROUBLED:  (To mention only four of what I am sure is a considerably longer list)

Russell Crowe – A Beautiful Mind – garnered an Oscar nomination for playing a crazy mathematician.

Jessica Lange – Frances ­­– nominated for an Oscar for playing a seriously trouble actress.  

Bette Davis – who, I believe, was “nutso” in ­every role she ever played – eleven Oscar nominations, two wins. 

Cate Blanchett – Blue Jasmine – Keep your eyes open.

ADDICTS:  (A selected three, of substantially more)

Ray Milland – The Long Weekend – Oscar winner, for playing an alcoholic.

Lee Marvin – Cat Ballou – Oscar winner, for playing an alcoholic.

Jamie Foxx – Ray – Oscar winner, for playing a rock ’n roller who took a boatload of drugs. 

(Observation:  Addiction may be the most certain path of all to the Oscars podium.)

LARGER-THAN-LIFE FIGURES WHO ACTUALLY EXISTED:  (In on way comprehensive; I do have a life.)

Daniel Day Lewis – Lincoln – Oscar winner, playing arguably, if you don’t ask anyone from the South, our greatest president.

Paul Muni – The Story of Louis Pasteur – Oscar winner, for the man who made cow milk safe to drink.  (Unless you’re allergic.)  (A substantial portion of Paul Muni’s career involved playing Larger-Than-Life Figures Who Actually Existed; Muni also starred as Mexican revolutionary Benito Juarez, and as French novelist and Dreyfus defender Emile Zola, the latter earning him yet another Oscar nomination.)

And since we are rapidly losing steam here, let’s pluck down

Jamie Foxx - who, in Ray, does “double-duty”, both as an “Addict” and as a “Larger-Than-Life Figure Who Actually Existed.”  Which category earned him the Oscar, it is impossible to say.

Okay, now, for those of you fuming at home, yes, award-winning dramatic performances require the characters to participate in, let’s say, harrowing or, if you wish, challenging situations, for which, I imagine you would agree, “sensorially impaired”, “addicted”, “losing your mind” and “running a country that is coming apart at the seams” would definitely qualify.

Drama equals extremes. 

True. 

But not exclusively true.

Some of our best actors excelled at playing ordinary people.  Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, to name but two, though they are part of a much larger contingent.  (Robert Cummings, Joel McCrea.) 

Both Stewart and Grant enjoyed long and industrious careers.  However, Jimmy only won only one Oscar, Cary Grant, only an honorary Oscar.

Nobody thinks they were bad actors.  The trouble was, they invariably portrayed regular people, who, in films I really like, like North By Northwest (Grant) and The Man Who Knew Too Much (Stewart), got caught up in dramatic situations. 

That’s the other kind of drama – the kind where people “just like us” – not crazy, not addicted, not in the history books, not blind – are faced with extraordinary circumstances when they are unexpectedly drawn into some serious shenanigans.

Grant’s and Stewart’s performances in the above-mentioned movies were wonderful.

But there was not a glimmer of love for them from the “Academy.”

What I am saying is,

There is no award for being “brilliantly ordinary.”

And I am thinking there should be.