"Taking Sides"

A recent article in the L.A. Times Business Section reported that a group of actors from the enormously successful sitcom Modern Family have banded together to demand a renegotiation of their long-term contracts, which they were required to sign on their agreement to accept the job, meaning before the show became a monster hit, and a moneymaking gusher for both the studio (Fox) and the network (ABC).

The report led me to dust off my “Lyric Writer’s” hat, and away we go.

(TO THE TUNE OF “REVIEWING THE SITUATION” FROM THE MUSICAL OLIVER, BUT IF YOU DON’T KNOW IT, YOU CAN MAKE UP YOUR OWN TUNE.)

A deal is a deal…

Isn’t it?

I mean, that’s its appeal…

Isn’t it?

When they sign on the line

With the contract, the actor

Agrees.

Now conditions have changed

They want upgrades arranged

For their fees?

I’m reviewing

The negotiation

Do the actors all deserve a boost in pay?

In a hit show

Situation

Should the pie be divvied up a different way?

Now pursuant to their agents’ advice

The cast demands a bigger slice

The “Money Men” begin to rail

They won’t kowtow to “Group Blackmail”

The performers strike for a new contract

If the answer’s “No”, they’ll refuse to act…

I think I better write another verse.

An actor’s career’s precarious

Their job options are rarely various

When they’re offered a deal

It’s unlikely they wield

Any leverage

The show’s offer, they take

With a smile, a handshake

And a beverage…

I’m reviewing

The negotiation

Is a steady job not way more good than bad?

With "hit series"

Accreditation

There’s no more fears

They’ll end up working for their Dad.

They deliver jokes to hefty laughs

Admiring fans want autographs

Eating filet steaks and fried potaters

In restaurants where they once were waiters

They’re riding high, but shows all end

Then it’s back to “Harvey” in South Bend…

Things may clear up if I write another verse.

Oh, nobody likes

"The Businessman"

Their investment adviser’s

Their biggest fan

The conventional view says employers are always

In the wrong

You will not hear their plight balladeered

In a Bob Dylan song…

I’m reviewing

The negotiation

When you’re in charge then you’re required to hold the line

There’s no “Fairness

Regulation”

This is business, and the two aren’t intertwined.

They dispute all talk of parity

They are not running a charity

The performers are well paid, for sure

(Though their bosses rake in way, way more)

And before that ironclad deal’s erased

They'll have the whole damn cast replaced

Yet the cast’s hope in one insight lives:

“They don't tune in to watch exe-

Cu-u-u-

Tives”…

I think they’ll very likely work things out!

Hey!