"President's Day"

If I were a really great president, I would not want to share my Special Day with any other president, even if they were a great president as well.

“Let Lincoln get his own day!”

George Washington may have clacked through his ill-fitting wooden teeth.

To which, Lincoln, a humble man, yet with enough self-regard to run for president, might reply,

“I preserved the Union and got shot in the head. I deserve my own day!”

I imagine it’s how twins feel, sharing a birthday. Only those guys weren’t twins, just twin icons. Bad blood would be no surprise.

LINCOLN: It should not be forgotten that four score and seven years ago, Washington lost a remarkable number of battles.

WASHINGTON: I find myself at a disadvantage here, as Mr. Lincoln did not preside until after I was dead. Was the man any good?

Also, changing the holiday’s name to President’s Day opens the door to claims for inclusion by other presidents.

BUCHANAN: How about me? I was a president too.

NIXON: Good luck with that one, Mr. “Dred Scott Decision.” I, at least, was elected to two terms.

RUTHERFORD B. HAYES: You’d have an argument if it were “Disgraced President’s Day.” I, on the other hand, am not remembered for doing anything wrong.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: You’re not remembered at all! Ha ha! That was a bully joke, wasn’t it?

JOHN F. KENNEDY: Not really. But everyone can’t have natural Irish wit.

FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT: You were also a bit of a hound as I recall. Aoooooh!!!

CALVIN COOLIDGE: Easy there, Wheel Chair Man. You were not entirely innocent yourself!

HARDING: No whiff of “woman trouble” with you, Calvin. Unless rape were defined as “An unwanted inducement of yawning.”

GRANT: “Teapot Dome Scandal” anyone?

WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON: It takes a scandal-ridden administration to know a scandal-ridden administration! No scandals in my administration!

TRUMAN: You never had an administration. You refused to wear a topcoat during your Inaugural Address, and you were dead as a doornail in a month!

JOHNSON: Give ‘em hell, Harry! And try not to blow up any more cities.

READER: Hey, Earlo! Do you know a factoid about every president?

ME: No! Franklin Pierce – are you kidding me? I also never intended to write this much on a holiday. So I’m stopping, right here.

ANDREW JACKSON: Wait!

ME: What?

JACKSON: I threw the Indians out of Florida.

ME: Great.

JACKSON: Come on! Would your people retire to a place that was full of Indians?

ME: It was a terrible thing to do.

JACKSON: Miami Beach. Teeming with Indians?

ME: Stop it.

JACKSON: Seminoles in Sarasota?

ME: Enough!

JACKSON: Okay. Have it your way.

AFTER A BEAT.

JACKSON: I also knew Davy Crockett.