"A Message From Uncle Grumpy"

I recently got an e-mail from my cantankerous and opinionated Uncle Grumpy. He wants to borrow my blog, needing, he says, “to blow off some steam before I deck somebody.” What can I do, he’s my uncle. But before handing things over, I want to issue this disclaimer:

The following are the exclusive opinions of my Uncle Grumpy, and in no way reflect the views of this blogger or anyone else in his family. All arguments, criticisms or threats of personal bodily harm should be addressed directly to him. Not me. That’s him. And not me.

Done.

Okay, Uncle Grumpy, take it away.


Nice boy, my nephew. Good writer. But he wants to be liked. That’s your kiss o’ death right there. That’s Game Over. Look, you can “entertain” till the cows come home, if that’s how you want to waste you time, but geez on a turnip, if you don’t have something you’re burstin’ to say, what the heck are you writing for?

Here we go. Where do I start? Okay, an easy one. Religion.

Why couldn’t God have created evolution?

Chew on that one for a while. I’m movin’ on.

Baseball. Not the steroids thing. Who cares? If the batters used them and the pitchers used them, what’s the problem? It’s Big Head versus Big Head.

Next!

Still baseball.

Can we please get Pete Rose inducted into the Hall of Fame? Pete Rose got more career hits than anyone who ever played. But he stupidly gambled on the game. So, they banned him from baseball, and, despite his statistics, they refused to induct him into the Hall of Fame.

Mistake.

Look, every Hall of Famer gets a plaque on the wall, chronicling their accomplishments. I say, induct Pete Rose, and inscribe on his plaque: “Most hits ever. Was banned for betting.” Is that so complicated? Induct him ‘cause he earned it, but tell the whole story. People – kids – they come to the Hall of Fame, the plaque’s there for posterity. “Pete Rose: Great hitter, punkass gambler.”

Next!

A little deeper water.

Our institutions in this country? None of them work.

Not government. Not the schools. Not Health Care. Not the courts. I don’t know about the military – we don’t fight anyone big anymore. Jumpin’ catfish! The U.S. against Panama? That’s, as Chick Hearn used to say, the Lakers versus the “Sisters of Mercy!”

The other institutions stink for sure. And stink bad!

But they make this agreement, see? Who’s “they”? The people involved. All of them. Even the institutions’ critics. They just say adjustments need to be made, not it’s totally broken. They can’t be that negative, even if it’s true. America hates a Gloomy Gus.

So they make an agreement, and the agreement is this: “We’ll pretend that things work.” Why, besides the “Gloomy Gus” thing? Because it’s easier to pretend things work than to actually fix them. The public in general – they may sense something’s wrong – but they still go along with the act. Why? Because it feels better.

“Everything works. Maybe a little tinkering.”

“Great!”

You see how that feels?

“Every single institution in the country is fundamentally messed up.”

“Hellllllllllp!!!!”

“Everything’s broken” means chaos. We can’t live with chaos. So we all play along.




There’s also this:

However corrupt and inefficient our institutions, somebody’s working tirelessly to keep things exactly the way they are. Why? ‘Cause they’re making a ton of money out of it.

Take Health Care. Every day nothing’s done about Health Care, the H.M.O’s, the insurance companies and the pharmaceutical companies have a party! Health Care’s not football. In Health Care, only one team has to move the ball. The other team simply has to freeze the ball and run out the clock. And they’ve been doin’ it since the Truman Administration, the first time Health Care was brought up!

Wake up, People! They’re winning!

I’m runnin’ out of steam. Earl’s old and I’m his uncle. One last thing and I’ll go.

The Supreme Court.

Lotta humility there!

“I’m on the Supreme Court.”

“That’s a big court.”

“The biggest!”

Here’s the problem. I don’t know how things used to be, but in the last thirty years, Republican presidents only nominated conservatives for the Supreme Court, and Democrats only nominated liberals. They have to do that. If they didn’t, their constituents would boil ‘em in oil!

How can you tell where the nominees stand? They’re all judges. Their decisions are on the record. Jiminy Christmas, they’re selected because of that record! That’s why they were nominated in the first place!

Then you have your Confirmation Hearings. What a hoot they are. Senators sitting there, pretending they’re deliberating. How do I know they’re pretending? Their questions don’t make sense!

“Mr. or Ms. Supreme Court Nominee: We’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand where you stand on this and that issue, but what we really want to know is this:

“Can you be impartial?”

They’re asking that to the nominees. With their one-sided track records! Jehosaphat! Isn’t the only honest response a Supreme Court nominee can make to the question, “Can you be impartial?”:

“Well, I haven’t been so far.”

Okay, that’s enough. I gotta take a nap. I hope my nephew has me back sometime.

I’m just gettin’ started.

You can catch some of my posts on huffingtonpost.com. I'm branching out.