"They're Sending Me Altoids"

Sometimes, quick responses are necessary.  I am informed, “Possible breath issue”, I immediately take action.  I go to the computer, and I order some Altoids.  (Knowing they’re strong, but highly effective.)

One box of eight containers of Altoids.  If this condition is another dandy “perk” of geriatric advancement, I shall need to stock up.  A “Lifetime supply.”  There’s a fun calculation.  I have found myself standing in “lighting” stores, considering  newfangled light bulbs that will last longer than I do.  Is that creepy, or is it “just me”?

“The person who bought us?”

“Long gone.”

Eight tins of Altoids, in their trademark metal containers.  That’s all I order.  Remember that.  It’s important for later. 

The truth is, this is not my first rodeo in this regard.  It is actually my second.  It happened before with Kind Bars.  A one-time Internet purchase led to regular – every few months – reshipments of Kind Bars.  

I used to enjoy Kind Bars.  I believed they were healthy.  Someone said they were “candy”, and I immediately stopped eating them.

But they never stopped sending them.

I do not recall checking a box saying,

“Make me a ‘Regular.’”

Yet every few months – more Kind Bars.

Did a check for Kind Bar charges on my credit card?  To be honest, I only look at the big stuff.  The money was secondary.  I’m being deluged with Kind Bars.  Which, I guess, is not totally terrible.  I could pass them out on Halloween.  Passing out Altoids – now arriving at a similar rate – is different.  Costumed children would boo me.

The first time this happened, I contacted Kind Inc., or whatever, kindly requesting they turn off the Kind Bar spigot.  Which they did.  After three unasked-for deliveries.

It would be less easy with Altoids.

Googling “Altoids – ‘Contact Us’ Number”, I am on to a “lead.”  Not Altoids directly, it is the M&M’s “Contact Us” number, M&M’s, manufactured by Mars, who also make Altoids.  Who knows?  Maybe they are both in the same building:  “Melts in Your Mouth, Not In Your Hand” – Second Floor, “So Minty You’ll Scream” – Fifth Floor.

Calling the M&M’s “Contact Us” number, I am immediately placed on “Hold.”  There, I receive an unusual surprise.

Instead of the standard “Hold” music, I am met with the voices of two M&M’s – “Red” and “Orange” – who perform an elaborate comedy routine, which, in my professional opinion, feels endless.

“They’re listening in on us.”

“No, they’re not.”

“Then who’s that breathing?”

“It’s you.”

That level of funniness. 

Times forever.

Finally, a Customer Service Representative picks up.  I am so grateful, I almost ask for more Altoids.

Unable to personally assist me, the M&M’s Customer Service Representative gives me the Altoids “Contact Us” phone number.   There, I am inevitably placed back on “Hold.” Thankfully, there are no funny Altoids to help pass the time.

As I wait, my thoughts return to the call’s directions, instructing that if my order is greater than 5000 pounds and I have a “Loading Dock”, I should “Press 7.”  I make sure not to press “7”, imagining 5000 pounds of Altoids, dumped on my driveway. 

Finally, the Altoids Customer Service Representative, Damien, picks up.  After hearing me out – and placing me on “Hold” again – Damien reports that the Mars Company has no record of sending me anything.  He suggests I contact the place where I originally ordered the Altoids. 

I, of course, have no idea where that was. 

Damien suggests, possibly Amazon.   When I check Amazon’s “My Account”, there is no mention of Altoids, though I am informed that a box of erasers is coming my way, which I know for a fact I have already received.

Hopefully, this does not mean shipments of erasers every few months.

Anyway, here I am, the threat of Altoids deliveries darkening my future.  I do not recall the last shipment including a receipt, so I may never know who is sending them to me.

I just know they are coming.

And piling up in my house.

(By the way, the “possible breath problem” is over, leaving sixteen containers of Altoids, languishing unopened in a drawer.  Hey, you need any?)
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Raptors win!  Grit.  Pride. Tenacity.  The other team's superstars on crutches.  Still, you have to score the most points.  And you have to believe.  I didn't.  (Though I exultantly jabbered, "We won!")

Canadian winners.  What a concept.

Could the Leafs possibly be next?