"12 Angry Cave Men"

With Jury Duty on the horizon, this imagined fantasy popped to my mind.

12 CAVE MEN FILE INTO A PREHISTORIC JURY ROOM AND SIT CROSS-LEGGED AROUND A FIRE.

(Note:  As will soon be revealed, 11 of the jurymen are “Hunters”; one, a relative newcomer, is a “Gatherer.”  I shall distinguish the “Gatherer”, but, for a lack of available signifiers, and because they think alike anyway, I shall lump all the “Hunters” together.)

JURY FOREMAN:  “All right, this shouldn’t take long.  The situation is this. Theg stole Thog’s dead animal.  We agree that Theg’s guilty, and we’re hunting in notime.  

“Hands up for ‘Theg’s Guilty’?”

ELEVEN HANDS IMMEDIATELY SHOOT UP.  ALL EYES TURN TO THE TWELFTH JUROR.  HIS HAND REMAINS QUIETLY IN HIS LAP.  WE HEAR THE FOREMAN’S ANNOYED SIGH.

“Here we go.”

“You think he’s not guilty?”

“I am saying I’m not sure.” 

A COLLECTIVE GRUMBLE FROM THE ASSEMBLED “HUNTERS.”

“There is a lot at stake here.  We should take time to talk about it.”

“The situation is simple. Thog killed the animal.  Theg dragged it away.”

“I’m not convinced about that. “ 

“I can’t believe this! That’s the whole case!”

“What does he know?  He’s just a…”

“A ‘what’?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I’m a ‘Gatherer’.  Is that what you mean?”

“If you say so.”

“I want youto say so, so we can clear the air, right here and now.”

“All right!  You’re a ‘Gatherer!”

THE ELEVEN “HUNTERS” GROWL IN PREJUDICED ASSENT.

“Now it’s out in the open. You don’t like me because I’m a ‘Gatherer.’”

“That’s not the point here.”

“You don’t like me, do you?”

“We hate you.  But again, that’s not the point.”

“Look, I don’t want to be here any more than you do.  But they drew my name from the ‘Sacred Gourd’, so here I am.  I say let’s make the best of this, and go home.”

“We can go home right now if you’ll vote that Theg’s guilty.”

“I may do that.  But first, we need to discuss the evidence.”

“The evidence?  Theg killed the animal, and Thog carted it away.”

“Correction.  Thog killed the animal and Thegcarted it away.”

“Are you trying to mock me?”

“No.  I…”

“I know ‘Theg’ from ‘Thog.’ I just misplaced the vowels.”

“Fine.  The important thing is, do you know ‘carcass’ from ‘dead animal’?”

“What are you driving at?”

“If he took a ‘carcass’, you will agree he was not ‘stealing an animal.’”

“I hate this!  The man’s splitting hairs here!”

“It makes a big difference. A man finds an abandoned carcass, missing some residual strands of meat under the ribs.  Maybe that’s not what happened, but it’s possible, isn’t it? And if it is, the man was technically, not “Stealing another man’s food.’”

“Who cares?”

“‘That’s what the charge is:  ‘Stealing another man’s food.’  Which is serious.  ‘Stealing a carcass’?  A ticket, maybe a ‘warning.’”

“Listen, smart guy.  Thog’s lawyer…”

“Thog’s lawyer!  He’s not searching for justice.  He’s just trying to win.”

“Isn’t Theg’s lawyer trying to win?”

“Sure.  So we ignore both of them and focus on the facts.  We’re looking for the truth here, not ‘calculated performance.’  Theg’s lawyer spoke with a stutter.  Should we really hold that against Theg?”

POINT RELUCTANTLY WELL TAKEN.

“Go ahead.”

“Do you remember the cross-examination?  Thog admitted – finally – that after skinning, disemboweling and… (FEELING SUDDENLY QUEASY)…”

THE “HUNTERS” RELISH THE “GATHERER’S” “OUTSIDER” DISCOMFORT.

“All I’m saying is, maybe he left some remaining meat on the carcass…”

“Okay, can I say something?”

“You’re the foreman.”  

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Why?  Because I’m a ‘Gatherer’?”

(THE 11 HUNTERS IN UNISON) “Yes!”

“This is a joke!”

“A travesty, is more like it!”

 “What happened to “a jury of your peers”?

“‘A jury of your peers.’ That’s the law!”  

“Yeah.  ‘Hunters’ judge ‘Hunters’, and ‘Gatherers’ judge “Gatherers.’”

“Gentlemen, the world is rapidly changing.  There are not a lot of us, but the ‘Gatherers’ are coming, doubling the modes of feeding our families and how we culturally exist.  And it’s going to get worse.  ‘Craftsmen’ and ‘artisans’ are next.  And after that, who knows?

“It’s a ‘Pluralistic Society’, people.  During a trial, if we lack the nuance and subtlety of ‘The Hunter Predicament’, it’s up to you to explain it to us.

“Tell me, ‘Hunters.’  

“Why do you think Thog’s guilty?”

“You mean, ‘Theg’s guilty’.”

THE 12 JURORS COLLECTIVELY CHUCKLE.

“Y’see?  Even a ‘Gatherer’ misplaces his vowels.”

“Hey, did you do that to make a bonding connection?’

“No, I actually made a mistake.”

TO BE CONTINUED…