"Car Food"

I do not know how to categorize this.

“Our government dollars at work”?

“Solving a problem that doesn’t exist”?

Or

“What the heck are they thinking?”

As in,

“Are there not a more productive uses of their time?”

Before diving in – and explaining what I am talking about – I like to personalize my stories. 

Here now is that subjective perspective.

When visiting our tiny cabin in Michiana, we take Highway 12 to travel from Indiana to Michigan.  (Which is not far.  Michigan is directly across the street from our cabin.)  We take “Route 12” three miles deeper into Michigan to go to Oink’s – the best ice cream in the land.  (There’s a picture of Joe Biden stopping there.  If he runs and wins, I can say I eat the same ice cream as the President of the United States.)

More than I’d like to traveling “Route 12”, like the time after dining at Casey’s – the best sauteed lake perch in the land – we pass the carcass of a dead deer, dragged onto the side of the road.  I imagine that is the case, because if the deer had been hit where it was lying, the driver would have needed to veer onto the “shoulder” to hit it.  So, unless it was premeditated deer murder, the vehicle hit it “mid-highway”, the driver stopped and got out, lugging it painstakingly off of the road.

Back at the cabin, I invariably call “Animal Control” to report the dead deer by the side of the road.  And eventually they do something, sounding, not infrequently, bothered by the request.

“Sir, we are ‘Animal Control.’  What do you expect us to do?” 

(Harrowing Implication:  The animal you are calling about has been sufficiently “controlled.”)

So that’s my personalized perspective – a run-over animal, roiling the Casey’s sautéed lake perch, rumbling in my stomach.

Maybe I’m just a “City Guy.” 

Squeamish to a fault.

Suddenly wondering where the word “squeamish” comes from?

“ – after Jonathan Squeam, who threw up at the littlest provocation.”

Similar behavior was henceforth called,

“Squeam-ish.”

Anyway…

I see a story in the paper.  The California legislature…

Wait.

I’ll let them tell it.

Los Angeles Times – California Section – “Page 1”:

Headline:

“Bill Would OK Roadkill As Food”

(That’s how Sacramento {our state capital’s} spending its time?  Don’t they know there’s a wall to build?)

Deconstructing the story…

The Reported Announcement:

“Roadkill could be on dinner tables across California by 2021 if a Senate state bill wins approval from the lawmakers.”

The Legislative Proposal:

“SB (Senate Bill) 395 seeks to amend current state law to allow drivers who fatally strike a deer, antelope, elk or wild pig to take the animal home and cook it.”

Limited Extension:

“The bill… also would let people not in vehicles who simply stumble upon a carcass keep it for food.”  (But not people who drive by the massacred animal?  This thing needs further debate!)

Justification for the Bill:

“The bill estimates that more than 20,000 deer are hit by cars on California roadways annually.  ‘This translates into hundreds of pounds of healthy meat that could be utilized to feed those in need’, the bill states.”

Limited Exceptions:

“The bill does not make all wild animals fair game on the state’s roadways.” 

Wandering Turkeys:  “Phew!”

Punitive Warning:

“The legislation emphasizes that the animal has to have been killed accidentally.”

Nipping an imagined “Reality Show” idea in the bud.

And finally,

The Surprise Curveball Only Real Life Can Credibly Deliver:

“People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wrote on its website that roadkill is a more humane food source and a ‘superior option’ to meat in the supermarket.”

(I did not see that coming.  Did you?)

So there you have it. 

Added to the regular complaint dining on hunted food:  “I just ate buckshot” is, if SB 395 passes, the brand new dining-on-hunted-food complaint:

“I just ate ‘bumper’.”

Some days, this job is too easy.

You just sit back and the thing writes itself.

(Cautionary Note:  Most days, it doesn’t.)