"The Things I Think About"

Not as in, “The following is a list of the things I think about.”

But as in,

“Really?  With all that’s happening in the world, you’re thinking about that?

I am so ashamed.

Once again.  (And you would not be incorrect in seeing at least a portion of this exercise as “emotional unburdening.”   With humorous interludes.  To conceal the therapeutic intent.) 

What can I tell you?  My “Catastrophic Prioritizing” is egregiously out of whack. 

For example, as of this writing…

Raging wildfires, natural disasters, a  mistake in the White House.  And what serious concern stands foremost in my mind?

Larry David’s physical wellbeing.

I know, I’m an idiot.  Larry David himself would not be this oblivious.  Although he did slough off his turbulence-imperiled wife Cheryl, while wrestling to get his TiVo to work.  (I am referring to the “TV“ Larry David.  I met the “real life” Larry David.  He was disappointingly quite pleasant.)

Curb Your Enthusiasm is back for its ninth season after a six-year hiatus.  Although we were happy about its return, a friend adjudged that Curb had become a parody of its former inspired and incomparable self. 

The show is doing the same style of comedy, but having already expended the best versions of their idiosyncratic approach in earlier seasons – e.g,, Larry is booked to co-star in The Producers on Broadway (credible) – they are now relegated to delivering the ninth-best incarnation – Larry writes a musical called Fatwa (less credible) – and it’s, like, the same magician, but now you can see where he’s hiding the chicken. 

Still, we agreed that, unlike the similarly resurrected Will & Grace, Curb Your Enthusiasm is at least a parody of a show we like.

What concerned me for Larry’s personal safety was something I saw in one of the “promos” for the current season. 

In a brief clip, I saw Larry David being violently booted off of a bus. 

No laugh from me. 

Why?

He looked like he could have really hurt himself. 

I mean, the man is 70 years old.  And they’re tossing him off a bus like he’s… 57.  There’s a reason old people avoid physical comedy.  A medium-hard handshake can wind you up in the Emergency Room.  (Noteworthy Exception:  Jackie Chan.  But that aging “Kung Fu King’s” got an ambulance following him around.)

I wondered, because, at the “Moment of Impact”, Larry’s back was facing the camera, if they had actually slipped in a Larry David “Look-Alike” stuntman and booted him off of the bus.  Many movie stars have ”Look-Alikes” who’ve had extended careers, serving as the “Leading Man’s” risk-taking “Stunt Double.” 

The question is, where would they find a capable stunt man, matching the appearance of Larry David?

And wouldn’t that venerable “Stand-In” be equally imperiled, were he to be thrown off of a bus?  With – since he is not the super-rich Larry David, and this is America – less comprehensive medical coverage?

It was while watching this year’s “Episode Two”, that the mystery was suddenly solved.

After Mary Steenburgen rejects Larry as not being her type “physically”, Larry David discovers her, strolling along the boulevard, with a man who looks exactly like him!

I thought, “There he is!  That’s Larry’s ‘Stunt Double!’”

Who’da thunk it?  A Larry David “Identical Twin.”  I immediately wondered if you could rent the guy out for birthday parties, like my grandson Milo got “Spiderman.”  He shows up, makes a big nuisance of himself – offending the guests and “double-dipping” at the “Snacks Table” – they pay him his money, and he goes home and takes a nap.

That’s harmless. 

Throwing a septuagenarian off a bus?

That’s “Elder Abuse.”

I guess I am sensitive to that now.  I know how easy it is to compromise your body.  I wrenched my back carrying a stepladder. 

That's not even a whole ladder.

There’s this terrible joke.  The mother implores her diffident offspring.

“Eat!  Eat!  Millions of children are starving in China.”

To which the diffident offspring replies,

“Oh, yeah?  Name two.”

When it’s not you, it’s a distant calamity.

But when it is – or when you personally identify with the victim –

It scales the summit of imminent importance. 

I know there are terrible problems in the world.  But the bus-ousted Larry David?  (Or maybe possibly his “Double”?)

I saw Aleve and visits to a chiropractor in the gentleman’s future.