"My All-Time Favorite 'Monty Python' Routine"

Silly, smart and satirical – my personal comedic “Combination of Choice.”

England.  Bureaucracy run amok.  Government departments for everything.  (See: “The Department of Silly Walks”, in which qualified candidates receive grants to develop their ambulatory impediments.)

This one is more verbal, and thus, for me, superiorly satisfying.

I’m a writer.  But I am generically an appreciator.  And I cacklingly appreciate the following  (For maximum pleasure, read with a companion):

A man walks into an office.

Man:  Ah, I’d like to have an argument, please.

Receptionist:  Certainly, sir.  Have you been here before?

No, this is my first time.

I see.  Well, do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking about a course?  

Well, what would it cost?

Well, it’s one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

Well, I think it’s probably best if I start with the one and then see how it goes from there, okay?

Fine.  I’ll see who’s free at the moment.  (Pause)  Mr. DeBakey’s free, but he’s a little bit conciliatory.  Ahh, yes.  Try Mr. Barnard.  Room 12.

Thank you.  (Walks down the hall.  Opens door.)

Angry Man:  WHADDAYOU WANT?

Well, I was told outside that…

DON’T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!

What?

SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT!  YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE!  YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!

Yes, but I came here for an argument!

OH!  Oh!  I’m sorry.  This is abuse.

Oh!  Oh!  I see!

Aha!  No, you want room 12A, next door.

Oh…Sorry…

Not at all! (under his breath)… stupid git.

(The man goes into room 12A.  Another man is sitting behind a desk.)

Is this the right room for an argument?

Other Man:  I’ve told you once.

No, you didn’t!

Yes, I have.

When?

Just now.

No, you didn’t!

Yes, I did!

You didn’t!

I did!

You didn’t!

I’m telling you, I did.

You did not!

Oh, I’m sorry, is this the five minute argument, or the full half hour.

Ah!  (taking our his wallet and paying)  Just the five minutes.

Just the five minutes.  Thank you.   Anyway, I did.

You most certainly did not!

Now let’s get one thing quite clear:  I most definitely told you!

Oh no you didn’t!

Oh yes I did!

Oh no you didn’t!

Oh yes I did!

Oh no you didn’t!

Oh yes I did!

Oh no you didn’t!

Oh yes I did!

Oh no you didn’t!

Oh yes I did!

Oh no you didn’t!

Oh yes I did!

No you DIDN’T!

Oh yes I did!

No you DIDN’T!

Oh yes I did!

No you DIDN’T!

Oh yes I did!

Oh look, this isn’t an argument!

(pause)

Yes it is!

No it isn’t!  (pause)  It’s just contradiction!

No it isn’t.

It IS!

It’s NOT!

You just contradicted me!

No I didn’t!

You DID!

No no no!

You did just then!

Nonsense!

(exasperated)  Oh, this is futile!

(pause)

No it isn’t!

Yes it is!

(pause)

I came here for a good argument!

AH, no you didn’t.  You came here for an argument.

And argument isn’t just contradiction.

Well!  I CAN be!

No it can’t!  An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

No it isn’t!

Yes it is!  It isn’t just contradiction.

Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position!

Yes but it isn’t just saying ‘no it isn’t’.

Yes it is!

No it isn’t!

Yes it is!

No it ISN’T!  Arguments are an intellectual process.  Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

It is NOT!

It is!

(The arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.)

Thank you, that’s it.

(stunned)  What?

That’s it.  Good morning.

But I was just getting interested!

I’m sorry.  The five minutes is up.

That was never five minutes just now!

I’m afraid it was.

(leading on)  No it wasn’t……

I’m sorry.  I’m not allowed to argue with you anymore.

WHAT?

If you want to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes.

But that was never five minutes just now!  Oh Come on!  Oh this is… This is ridiculous!

I told you… I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you PAY!

Oh all right.  (takes out his wallet and pays again.)  There you are.

Thank you.

(clears throat)  Well…

Well WHAT?

That was never five minutes just now.

I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid!

Well I just paid!

No you didn’t!

I DID!

YOU didn’t!

I DID!

You DIDN’T!

I DID!

You DIDN’T!

I DID!

YOU didn’t!

I don’t want to argue about it!

Well I’m very sorry but you didn’t pay.

Ah hah!  Well if I didn’t pay, why are you arguing???  Ah HAAAAAAHHH!  Gotcha!

No you haven’t!

Yes I have!  If you’re arguing, I must have paid.

Not necessarily.  I could be arguing in my spare time.

I’ve had enough of this!

No you haven’t.

Oh shut up!

(Man leaves his office.)

And proceeds, after a short stop in the “Complaining” office (where the man in the office complains to him) to an office offering “Getting Hit Over The Head” lessons. *

* For the more visually oriented,

And now for something completely similar.