"Benny And Bernie"

TWO OCTOGENARIAN BROTHERS, ROCKING ON A PORCH.

You know, Bernie…

THEY CONTINUE TO ROCK.  THEN.

You’re Bernie.

(AFTER A BEAT)  I’m Bernie?  (AFTER ANOTHER BEAT)  Then who are you?

I’m Benny. 

You’re Benny?

I’m Benny, and you’re Bernie.

Are you sure I’m not Benny?

What are you talking about?

I have always been Benny.

You’ve always been Bernie.  I’ve always been Benny.

I could have sworn I was Benny.  And not just me.  This morning, that guy Sussman walks up to my table, he says “Good morning, Benny.”  If I’m Bernie, why didn’t he say “Good morning, Bernie”?

Are you sure he said, “Good morning, Benny?”

I have a very good memory.

You forgot you were Bernie.

(MOMENTARILY STYMIED.  THEN.)  Do you know who I’m talking about? 

Sussman.  I saw him this morning.  We said “Good morning.”

You said “Good morning” to Sussman?

I did.

And he said “Good morning” to you?

Of course.

“Good morning” what, did he say to you?

“Good morning, Benny.”

I don’t understand it.  He said “Good morning, Benny” to you and he said “Good morning, Benny” to me?  Why would he say “Good morning, Benny” to both of us?

Once he was right, and once he was wrong.

THEY CONTINUE TO ROCK.

I probably told him once I was Benny, and he said “Good morning, Benny” because that’s who he thought I was.

That is precisely what happened. 

THEY CONTINUE TO ROCK, THE MATTER FINALLY DECIDED.

Unless we’re both Benny. 

Two brothers named Benny?

You’re right.  Our parents had little imagination, but they had enough for two names.
It’s just such a shock to me.  Your whole life, you think you’re Benny and it turns out you’re Bernie.  (AFTER A BEAT)  You’re not pulling my leg here, are you?  Telling me I’m Bernie when I am actually Benny?

Why would I do that?

You were always trying to fool me.  I remember there was this actress, Spring Byington. 

December Bride.

Right.  You tried to convince me her name was Spring Bodington. 

I don’t remember that.

And when we both got Slinkies and yours broke, you made me believe mine broke.

How do you remember these things?

I told you, I have a good memory. 

You forgot you were Bernie.

I remember you already said that.  You know, I’m starting to think that I’m not Bernie, and this is just “Spring Bodington” and the broken Slinky all over again.

That’s ridiculous.  How could anyone convince you you’re Bernie when you are actually Benny?

You are extremely good at that.  You became a lawyer.  You know what?  I’m eighty-seven.  It’s over.

Fine.  You believe what you want to. 

I will.

A MAN PASSES THE TWO BROTHERS.

Good night, Benny.

THEY BOTH SAY,

Good night.

THEY CONTINUE ROCKING IN SILENCE.

Hey, Benny.

Who are you talking to?

You were right.  I was just kidding around.

You were?

Sorry.

Lemme get this straight.  You are actually Bernie?

And you’re Benny.

I knew I was Benny!  I was right.  You were just trying to fool me.

It’s what I do.

It is indeed what you do.

THEY ROCK FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME IN SILENCE.

You know, Bernie…

Yeah, Benny?

You don’t usually give up this easily.  Which kind of makes me wonder:  Were you trying to fool me then?  Or are you trying to fool me now?

THEY CONTINUE ROCKING IN SILENCE.  ONLY ONE OF THEM SUPPRESSES A CHUCKLE.

(Note:  This is the best I can do writing this alone.  With the appropriate partner, you’d have experienced magic.)