"A Second Chance - Part 2"

Following the emotional thrashing I received prior to going in front of the cameras on “The Bobbie Gentry Happiness Hour”, I thuddingly “dropped the ball” performing the routine I had scrupulously prepared for that broadcast.  Today, it’s “Take Two”:  A second shot at a performance I notoriously botched during the “Summer Replacement Season” of 1974.

Note:  I freely acknowledge that this is only “just words.”  I ask you to imagine them coming sparklingly to life, as they arguably would have, minus the excoriation I experienced earlier that day.  Which, by the way, I did not in any way deserve.

Okay.  Here we go.

FADE IN:

A CASUALLY DRESSED COOKING SPECIALIST FACES THE CAMERA, STANDING BEFORE A TABLE, FEATURING AN UNGLAMOROUS SERVING TRAY, ITS COVERED CONTENTS HIDDEN BENEATH A COVERING WHITE CLOTH.

IN AN UNMANNERED DELIVERY, THE AMIABLE COOKING SPECIALIST BEGINS:

“Do you like peanut butter sandwiches?  Who doesn’t?  Some people  prefer peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  I don’t.  I’m a purist. I like my peanut butter “straight.” No judgments.  The ‘combined elements’ make me want to throw up, but I am not saying you’re wrong.

I also believe the best and tastiest results come from preparing homemade peanut butter ‘from scratch.’  

Sure, you can pick up a jar of ‘Skippy’ or ‘Jif’ from your local supermarket.  But why bother?  Fresh ingredients taste fresher.  And, of course, there is no monkeying with the process.  Added sugar?  Unwanted additives?  Not in homemade peanut butter made ‘from scratch!’  True, your store-bought peanut butter may last forever.  But food that lives longer than you do?  That gives me the ‘willies.’  You’re dead, and it’s sitting fresh as a daisy in your refrigerator.

Post-mortem peanut butter?  No, thank you.

Now I know what you’re thinking, because I thought the same thing myself before I came to my senses.  ‘Preparing recipes “from scratch” – that’s hard.’  Come on!  It’s not ‘coq au vin’, it’s peanut butter!  Sorry for shouting but I’m really excited.  You know how many ingredients you need to prepare homemade peanut butter ‘from scratch’?

A dozen?  Wrong! Three!  That’s nothing!  Plus three ingredients.

Now before I reveal those ingredients – because I know you’ll want to immediately ‘Jump ship’ – this is not my first peanut-butter-‘from-scratch’-recipe-rodeo, believe me.  I say relax, and just listen.  It’s not as crazy it sounds.   

The three ingredients for preparing peanut butter ‘from scratch’ are these:

THE INGREDIENTS ARE LISTED CONSECUTIVELY ON THE SCREEN AS THEY ARE ELABORATED.

One humongous bag of shelled peanuts.  

One medium-to-larger-sized elephant.

And a generous handful of everyday mice.

Stay with me.  It’s worth it.

Here’s what you do.  Three easily learned steps:

THE THREE STEPS ARE LISTED CONSECUTIVELY ON THE SCREEN AS THEY ARE ELABORATED.

One:  Spread the shelled peanuts evenly onto a hardwood floor.  Not a carpeted floor.  Unless you like random carpet fibers mixed with your peanut butter.  “Indigestible?’ Believe me.  Developing these recipes, I have made every mistake in the book.  

Step Two:  Scatter the mice – again, evenly – onto the peanut-topped flooring.

And Step Three:  Bring in the elephant.

The rest of it takes care of itself.  So stand back, and enjoy the fun.

Spotting the scattered mice scurrying along the peanut-strewn surface, the terrified elephant goes the ‘elephant equivalent’ of ‘Eek!”, rears up fearfully on its hind legs, and then – because it can’t stay up there forever – it drops with a resounding “Thump!” onto the peanuts, the process repeating again and again until the peanuts are crushed to homogenous – or ‘crunchy,’ if you stop the elephant sooner – puree.

The last step… oh, sorry, I guess there were foursteps… scrape the decimated peanuts off the bottoms of the elephant’s feet – I should have mentioned this:  Use a clean elephant – generously spread on your selected variety of bread, which you can make ‘from scratch’ too – if you ask a baker how, because I don’t do bread – and serve.

And now…

WITH AN ELEGANT FLOURISH, THE COOKING SPECIALIST PULLS THE COVERING CLOTH OFF OF THE TRAY SITTING IN FRONT OF HIM. THERE, EXPERTLY PREPARED, IS ONE REGULAR-SIZED HOMEMADE PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH, A SUPER-LARGE PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH AND A STACK OF TINY BITE-SIZED PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES.

Voila!

SFX:  A LOUD ROUND OF RECORDED APPLAUSE.

You know, folks, there only one thing better than eating a homemade peanut butter sandwich prepared ‘from scratch.’  And that’s eating a homemade peanut butter sandwich prepared ‘from scratch’ with a bunch of good friends.

THE CURTAIN BEHIND HIM NOW OPENS, REVEALING A PROUD FULL-SIZED AFRICAN PACYDERM.

(NOTE:  Since I am not actually producing this, I can extravagantly go for the fences.)

(TURNING TO ELEPHANT) “Where are the ‘Little Guys’, Jumbo?

AN UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE. THE ELEPHANT THEN RAISES HIS LEFT FORELEG.  THE COOKING SPECIALIST BENDS DOWN TO EXAMINE THE BOTTOM OF IT.  HE THEN STRAIGHTENS UP AND, TURNING TO THE TABLE, HE RESPECTFULLY COVERS THE TINY BITE-SIZED SANDWICHES WITH THE AVAILABLE WHITE CLOTH.

(TURNING TO CAMERA, FORCING ENTHUSIASM) “Bon appetit.”   

THE END.

Ah, sweet “closure.”

It feels good, I tell ya.